hurts like heaven

"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart… I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."


E.E.Cummings


i think i will always carry part of your heart with my heart
that is both a hard thing to accept and something that is perhaps said from a place of not being done with your heart
it does a funny thing to a person to say i love you and not hear it in return
and we both know that funny feeling like when someone pulls your seat away before you sit down
we have both done it to each other
i want to sit down with you
and talk and laugh
i would say i miss you but i have been missing you for 3 years so i'm not sure that i do any more, or maybe my missing you has become such a permanent part of my state that i don't even recognize it any more
and it was such a long time you were part of my life and suddenly you weren't but i know it wasn't sudden for you and that's not a nice thing to know
i also know God has a plan, and that is an altogether lovely thing to know 
a plan for you 
i pray you will live and dwell and flourish and grow in it

I was trying to describe you to someone

I said you are like breathing

You are like turning the light on when you’ve been sitting in the dark, and maybe you had gotten quite accustomed to the dark, you could see a little and you were comfortable there..but you turn the light on cause you cant find something and it makes your pupils contract and your temples squeeze your brain a bit and it takes a while to get used to it…but you do..and you wonder why you ever turned the light off in the first place..

But we always want the light off sometimes 

we don’t want to see

But your are the light on..you make us see the good, the bad and the ugly and the grace

you are finding me when I am feeling lost and tired and show me how much you love me and then you ask…’why are you lost and tired?’

you are like drinking a cold chocolate milkshake

you are like being in the Fermanagh countryside near my granda’s farm where theres this tiny house that he made on top of a small hill and I could have sat there for a long time and just listened to nothing..

you are like the sound of a piano

you’re my best friend

you make me want to smile at strangers

you are constant

you broke my heart and I couldn’t be more thankful, and people say ‘that’s a funny thing, to be glad of a broken heart’

but I say I am glad

a heart that is not broken is not necessarily a heart that is happy

you found me at the low times and sat with me there

at the bottom of the sea

and you didn’t make me move or try to fix me

you put your bum on the sand next to mine and sifted rocks through your fingers and met my eye and said ‘I know.’

You are like when you put your dinner in the microwave and leave your fork on by accident and its like a mini lightning

You make me terrified of the future and then sternly tell me that it isn’t up to me so I can be terrified if I want but it wont do anyone any good and actually it will probably do me harm because how can I possibly enjoy what you have for my life if I’m scared.

You are that thing that I want sometimes more than anything in the world..and when there are things that I want more than you, I want to want you more

I know that I need you more than I need to be popular and when I forget you remind me

you are endless

you are like fallin in love with someone who you know will control and dictate the rest of your life and you know that’s completely ok even though your best friend wont like it and its that sickening relationship that you don’t want to do anything unless the other person wants to

I would say you are like getting up super early to watch the sunrise but that’s such a cliché and everyone says it

But you are though…like watching a sunrise super early

And sunset too

And watching the stars but that’s defiantly a cliché…

Its just that there are so many of them and its pretty hard not to look at the stars and marvel at how entirely vast you are and then feel entirely humbled that you chose me

Your like having a plan for after you die

Your secure like a vault at the Bellagio..only George Clooney and Brad Pitt couldn’t even break into cause your that secure

You are jealous

You are very good at making me miss you

You are like creativity

You are like this part at the end of Mulan, after she’s been found out in the army as a girl pretending to be a man and she should have been killed for her deception, but she saved the life of the generals son so he just leaves her in the mountain and cause she’s disgraced her family, she is outcast from society for bringing dishonour…but then she knows Shan Yu and the Huns are going to attack the Emporer so she tries to tell people but no one will listen to her, apart from her three friends…she kills Shan Yu with fireworks and in the end she has to stand in front of the Emperor and he starts to lecture her on the wrong things she has done, but then, the Emperor of China accepts her..and bows to Mulan..….you’re like that

i've been falling in love again and it is quite glorious

my flat mate knows when i am lacking Jesus...
tonight she told me i needed "bible time" cause i was being a winey bitch
Moses face shone after he had been in the presence of God
Exodus34v45..."they saw that his face was radient"
same goes for us
i mean if my face is shining please let me know, it probably means i put on too much moisturizer
but i want to be a little light in this world that grows steadily darker with each policy and law
and i will not be much of a light when i complain that my feet are cold but won't go and put my slippers on
go put your slippers on
and spend some time with Jesus
don't care that you're not in the mood
then pass it on
look another human being in the eye because they deserve it
have some "bible time" and cheer up!

a series of unfortunate events

here's what i'm scared of
that i'll turn up and you won't be there
or you'll be late and i'll have to sit by myself
that no one will speak to me
that i won't be wearing the right thing
that i have food in my teeth
that you'll be nice to my face but next week i'll hear that you've said something different
that i'll make a mistake
that you won't believe my side of the story
sometimes i'm scared that it'll rain while i'm walking there
why?
cause it's happened
i am sure that everyone has had a bad experience in church
hands up?
yea thought so..
so here is what i would rather do
not go
judge you first
stamp F.U on my forehead
why?
cause i do not want to be hurt
i don't want to be stood up
i do not want to make an effort to have it thrown in my face
i don't want to get wet
so who looses out?
me
i thought i could do it by myself
because if i have to do it with people, i am going to be disappointed
a brilliant person i once knew, said i was a passionate girl
but this meant a girl of extremes
if you are my friend i trust you
i hold you closely to my heart
so if you hurt me
it freaking hurts
but i will forgive.....eventually
and when i do its really done
but the trust is maybe a little broken
and this has happened over and over and over
so i am left, not having a great view of people
in particular, christians
but now i am trying to change that
God told me i had to trust him and trust his people
so i did
and i have been blessed ABUNDANTLY
so i challenged myself
and realized i was wrong
and then i realized i was even wronger
my preconceptions are not an excuse
and if i would learn to love God first then people
i wouldn't be in this position
you have to love God first
so you can love people with his love
not your love
cause its crappy
sorry, but it is
its easily offended and its weak
it doesn't understand and it has mood swings
Gods love is constant
unfaltering and fair
passionate and deserving
love God then love people

God first.....always

mercy

i hear the Saviour say 'thy strength indeed is small'
child of weakness watch and pray
find in me thine all in all


Jesus paid it all
all to him i owe
my sin had left a crimson stain 
he washed it white as snow


oh now indeed i find
thy power and thine alone
can change the lepers spots
and melt this heart of stone


Jesus paid it all
all to him i owe
my sin had left a crimson stain
he washed it white as snow


and when before the throne
i stand in him complete
jesus died my soul to save
my lips shall still repeat


jesus paid it all
all to him i owe
my sin had left a crimson stain
he washed it white as snow


oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead




mercy - 
1. Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm

2. An event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering

i do not have to beg for mercy

it is mine

graciously mine

sleeping pills

hi..its been a while
i went on holiday, stayed with my dad in London, moved back to Leeds, partied, crashed
and here i am

September was an interesting month
i became shamelessly addicted to myself
i have exhausted myself by trying to fight against God
i am angry all over again
i i i
hahaha doesn't ever change with me does it?
but I'm trying to get back to where i was
trying
straining
purposefully walking into love
finding purpose
psalm 62
God ALONE is my salvation
and alone is my fortress
heaven is my home
my heart hurts and my shoulders are heavy
but my king wants to spend some time with me
he is my rest
asda sleeping pills help me sleep
but when i wake up i am still knackered
because what i am fighting is not physical
and some days i lose the fight
but Jesus doesn't lose the war
I've read the last chapter
i know how the story ends
i get prince charming and we live happily ever after
at the minute I'm faced with the ugly step sisters
self and sin
bitches.
self and sin don't win in the fairy tale
clothes
money
boys
popularity
all lose
all the world holds dear
i count it as loss

"though i have fallen i will rise
though i sit in darkness the Lord is my light"
micah7v8-9

"then Jesus took her by the hand and said 'talitha koum' (which means 'little girl get up' in Aramaic..)"
mark5v41

GET UP