since my last blog some things have changed..
I struggled through to the end of 2013, and started 2014 in much the same way. Heavy and burdened and not sure why I couldn't lift my head.
I was absolutely livid with God, I couldn't sing to him or speak to him. But he spoke to me.
One night I was team leading in Starbucks in church. I had NO idea what I was doing - making up drinks left right and centre, low on team members and a queue to the door, I was stressed. I am not fun when I am stressed. A lady stuck her head round the door and asked me if I was ok, if there was anything she could do to help. And I lost it - totally lost it. I believe my response was "No, I'm not ok, I fucking hate this place, I hate this church and I hate these fucking Christians." Charming. I was unbelievably rude to her. She came and gave a hug and squeezed me so tight. What an undeserved hug. She got people to come and help and it was all ok.
I felt like absolute crap, I had really let my team down. Felt absolutely useless as the insecurity took over my brain "useless. worthless. can't do anything. no good. bring others down. hopeless." I went down and stood in worship. Arms crossed and tight lipped - furious at God again for setting me up for another failure, another chance to prove how utterly crap I am at everything. I started to cry, hoping that everyone else would be so engrossed in worship and not see the snot and tears streaming down my face - heartbroken.
Then God spoke to me. This does not happen regularly for me. Maybe 1 other time for sure - but this time I heard Him clearly.
"Absolutely perfect, you are absolutely perfect"
ha flip if I wasn't ugly crying before I sure was now.
Since then I have started to ask God how he feels about me. That was a good decision.
We let insecurity ruin our lives. It's robbed so much from me in the past couple of months and I am done.
You are absolutely perfect.
