peanut butter m&m's

since my last blog some things have changed..

I struggled through to the end of 2013, and started 2014 in much the same way. Heavy and burdened and not sure why I couldn't lift my head.

I was absolutely livid with God, I couldn't sing to him or speak to him. But he spoke to me.

One night I was team leading in Starbucks in church. I had NO idea what I was doing - making up drinks left right and centre, low on team members and a queue to the door, I was stressed. I am not fun when I am stressed. A lady stuck her head round the door and asked me if I was ok, if there was anything she could do to help. And I lost it - totally lost it. I believe my response was "No, I'm not ok, I fucking hate this place, I hate this church and I hate these fucking Christians." Charming. I was unbelievably rude to her. She came and gave a hug and squeezed me so tight. What an undeserved hug. She got people to come and help and it was all ok.

I felt like absolute crap, I had really let my team down. Felt absolutely useless as the insecurity took over my brain "useless. worthless. can't do anything. no good. bring others down. hopeless." I went down and stood in worship. Arms crossed and tight lipped - furious at God again for setting me up for another failure, another chance to prove how utterly crap I am at everything. I started to cry, hoping that everyone else would be so engrossed in worship and not see the snot and tears streaming down my face - heartbroken.

Then God spoke to me. This does not happen regularly for me. Maybe 1 other time for sure - but this time I heard Him clearly.

"Absolutely perfect, you are absolutely perfect"

ha flip if I wasn't ugly crying before I sure was now.

Since then I have started to ask God how he feels about me. That was a good decision.

We let insecurity ruin our lives. It's robbed so much from me in the past couple of months and I am done.

You are absolutely perfect.

Will your grace run out
If I let you down?
‘Cause all I know is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner 
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words 
Tangled in lies 
But are a Savior 
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful 
Beautiful 

Will you call me child
When I tell you lies 
Cause all I know 
Is how to cry 

I am a sinner 
If its not one thing its another 
Caught up in words 
Tangled in lies 
You are the Savior 
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful 
Beautiful 

it is in the moments of earth shattering, all consuming regret that i know completely the redemptive power of the cross
it is in the moments when i feel completely useless, hopeless, clumsy and lazy that i am reminded of the almighty power of God

this

all i have i count it all as lose
but to know you, and to carry the cross
knowing i'm found in the light of the aftermath

keep your head up, and your heart strong

how do you walk or sit or stand?
shoulders curled, back hunched, feet turned in?
i do..
a physical manifestation of insecurity, of a lack of confidence..
but i am learning to walk tall, up straight..
to walk with purpose, because i have purpose
to be filled with confidence, not because of anything in me
but because of what Christ did for me
i do not fight for victory, i fight from victory
lift your head up and boast of all that's been done in your life
stop trying to hide, what people think of you means nothing
when we all die and have to stand in front of our King,
their judgements will mean nothing, and His will mean everything
because you have the hope of eternal life, you have the answer..
we are the salt and the light
remember you are called!
step up

"Therefore, since we have such a hope we are very bold..."

2Corinth3v12

don't be a prostitute

just re-posted two old blogs from last october cause they kinda relate to this one.

So i started reading Judges, and i love it!but came across this verse

"Yet they would no listen to their judges but prostituted themselves to other gods.."
2v17a
 as the previous blogs show, i really identify with this metaphor that we cheated on God that's used in Hosea.
I was reading about it in my Matthew Henry concordance and he says

"idolatry is spiritual adultery"

woah

so i looked up in the dictionary the definition of 'prostitute' 

obviously the first one was to sell your body for sex, but the second definition was this 

"One who sells one's abilities, talent, or name for an unworthy purpose"

God was royally annoyed because the Israelites were worthy of so much more than idols..how could they believe that something they created with their hands could be a god?!

you are WORTHY

you are worth Jesus, that's how much God paid for you

so don't prostitute yourself to popularity and material possessions

those things are not worthy of you, when the king of kings died to save your soul

don't give yourself or your God given talents to the things of this world when you are made for the kingdom of God

don't let these things rule you're life because you will be selling yourself short

you are worthy of God, put him first in all things
live like the royalty that you have been bought for
don't be a prostitute
cause you are loved and you were not cheap

repeat

"The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, 
though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. 
Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites,
 though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. 

Then I told her, “You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.”

Hos3v1-3

God made us, thus, we belong to him

however, we cheated on him

and as i have done that analogie half to death, i hope you understand 

we betrayed him

but he bought us back

so you buy a dog
it runs away
you find it
and you have to pay for it again
annoying?
you bet...
now imagine that dog is really badly behaved
it rolls in dead badgers and wees on the good rug, bites you all the time and keeps you up all night
if it ran away would you even bother to look for it?
would you search and strive for it?
would your heart break for that misbehaving dog?
and if you found it with someone who didn't love it that much, fed it but never took it for a walk, lived in a disgusting house so didn't care that it pissed on the carpet and let the dog bite and growl and misbehave but sometimes kicked it for no reason and you had drag the dog away, would you?
would you pay more that what you payed for it in the first place knowing that it would mean you'd have to get rid of all the carpet in your house and spend alot of time teaching it not to bite you..and knowing it would run back to that dirty house again?
would you pay for it?
i am the dog.
that loves the world more than i should
but the man who owns me?has made me then paid for me again, has limitless patience teaching me, the world kicks me and his heart breaks, watches me run away only to pursue me and loves me enough to never let me go despite how badly i treat him