to be alone with you

its been a really hectic couple of days, hence the lack of blogs..
but tonight i'm home alone, on the sofa with my duvet, a huge mug of tea and some chocolate..my essays are done and i'm off tomorrow and on friday i fly home and get to see my mum.
im warm and comfy and i was watching the xfactor final but i've just turned it off,
because i realised in these past couple of days, when i've been tired and burned out, ill and stressed..i haven't spent half as much time with my Saviour as i should have done..
and it hasn't been good
i will always struggle with people, but i struggle alot more when i'm tired
and last night i felt like there was a distance between me and God;
even though i know he never leaves me
last night when i was having some prayer time, it didn't feel like he was there..
i didn't like it
i was praying but it felt like i may as well have been talking to my pillow
so i got a bit cheeky; i said to God, like Jacob in Genesis 32
i won't leave this place untill you bless me..
and God revealed something to me,
i had put something above him in my heart and that was why it felt different..
i had let a seed of bitterness take root; when i was tired and agitated, i was more hurt by something that i should have been..and rather than forgive it and move on..i fed it with venomous thoughts and angry words and let it grow.
i put my own hurt feelings above God
it put a wall between me and Jesus
we have to really ask God to search our hearts and show us sin that we don't realise
it's hard dealing with our faults but we need to
we have to apologise and we have to ask for forgiveness
i am so amazed by grace when God shows me the dark crevices of my heart and loves me through it
Jill tweeted the other day 'Jesus is my best friend'
and its as simple as that..
i don't want anything to come between us
and tonight as i'm cuddled up on the sofa..it's him i want to spend time with
i'm not sure what the point of this blog really is..
but i know sometimes God does feel distant and you can't work out why
ask him to show you
ask him to call your heart to him
ask him to give you a desire to spend time with him
live in grace and not condemnation
be a cheerleader
love