100th post..

today, more than ever i have been aware that Jesus, is very very with me...

there is the cynic it me that wants to let this realisation bring me to despair at the thought that he see's everything and hears every thought, most of which or probably vile to his Holy self...

But, the Holy Spirit in me brings me to joy...that the being who spun this planet into existence walks each day with me is absolutely delightful..

i am comforted and i am walking deliberately into love with my Saviour again and it makes me want to do a dance!!!

i have truly great people in my life. i know most people would say this, but my biggest fear when i came back from America was that i would have no friends, and even recently i have been attacked with the feeling that i don't belong here in Bangor, but today i hung out with my christian and my non-christian friends, both Leeds and Bangor friends and i am just so blessed. they are an answer to prayer and i hold them very very dear to my heart. the people in my life are an answer to prayer. WOO

they have taught me so much about loyalty and how relationships should work, they have shown me grace and peace and passion.

tonight the song my heart sings is that Jesus is my dignity and my delight!!

You're all i want
You're all i need
You're everything that's dear to me.

here's what I've been learning

stop trying to get better
even if you do, its still not good enough
there is NOTHING you can do to make God love you
nothing.
there is nothing you can do to keep his love once you have it either
he loves you
that will not change
you're his favourite
he loves you more than anyone could ever possibly
he is IN  love with you
and even if you read your bible every day and talk to the smelly kid and pray for 3 hours
he will still love you
even if you're doing lines of coke off a strippers stomach
he will still love you the exact same

don't just do something, sit there
not because you have to
but to fall in love with someone you must spend time with them
and then you will want to know more
we have taken what should be a beautiful relationship and reduced it to reading your bible, asking for forgiveness and being nice.
that is filthy rags to my God

here's a challenge
sit.
thank God for his love and ask him to show you more
do not list what you need forgiven for, its already done
do not pray for friends
do not read a challenging passage
do not tell God what you want
just thank him

falling in love implies no conscious action
whoops i slipped into love
I'm abseiling into love
its terrifying
and i feel very far from solid ground
but i trust in the one I'm falling in love with

then read the Gospels...
there is nothing about the Gospels that encourage me to focus on myself
think about what Jesus has done for you and not what you can do for him.
cause you can't do anything.

i have been shocked by dishonesty among friends
by downright lies and lies of omission
no relationship can ever grow in this infertile soil
get over yourself
you are not as important as you think you are
force people to rely on Jesus and not on you
walk in truth
bear with people

I've been working alot..and its great, I'm so glad of the money and i do enjoy it but it means i don't have much of a social life and if I'm honest i kinda like this...means alot of Jesus time and not very much time spent with joy stealer's...
i miss ohio alot, i miss community and honesty and people who know who they are in Christ and are not fake.
there seems to be alot of that going round at the minute.......
God is so superior its amazing, bringing people into my life who i know are going to be of great importance to me in my future..its kinda strange but amazing..i know i have nothing to fear at all.

Ive been reading John with no commentary, just reading..
i love reading but i spend alot more time reading books christian and non-christian, than the bible..so trying to change that..
and its got me so hooked on Jesus....I'm just amazed by his humility and love
i want to live that.

how good is dancing?

last night we had such a good dance and it was so worshipful
i can't wait till heaven when i can dance and sing all dayy

you are my dignity
you're my delight

i don't need riches or mans empty praise
you're my inheritance, now and always

ladies....

i've seen desperation
ugly and bare in jealous eyes
i've seen more sneakiness that i care to see again
i've watched girls with divided personalities that rival a schizophrenic depending on their company
and my heart is breaking
i have ranted and i have raved
about honesty
anything you say about a person you should be willing to say to their face
but i have quite a long list of things that me and Jesus need to work on
so i'm going to try to focus on that
and not on you


please let God love on you
let him show you who you are and live in that
do not find your identity in your friends, boyfriends, job, music or clothes
cause i promise they will let you down


i wish you could have it all
i really do
so that you could see when you have your dream wardrobe, the popular boyfriend, all of the friends and the reputation you gain from the places you go and the things you do, that it does not satisfy
that it is empty and fleeting
it does not make you happy
and it does not save your soul
when you stand in front of your King he will not take these into account


i wish you could lose it all
i wish you could have people talk about you, know things you wish they didn't, i wish you have to go out in sweatpants and greasy hair, i wish you have to sit in every night
and i wish you find joy in those things
because you know they have no dent on your character


when you put Jesus first, everything is a blessing....and you will be able to be thankful and find joy in it no matter how long or short it lasts or how it ends or begins and you will not hold on to it tightly because you recognise that it isn't yours and you won't have it in the end...


Get to know your Masters voice..so that when things of this world call you, you do not follow
"...and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name...he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him cause they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact they will run away from him because they do not recognize a strangers voice...."
John10v3-5


God is so beautiful to me