Beenn quite mellow past two days..Yesturday we went to pray with the youth from the church who have started praying in the mornings in the foyer of their school, like they just stand in a circle and pray and everyone walks in past them!It was really inspiring to me because i'm not sure if even now, when my faith is the strongest it has ever been, i could do that in a school or my uni..i would be terrified..but they dont care!!If anything they want people to notice them so they get a chance to talk to them about itt..i think its crazyy..really challenged me..
Then in the afternoon we had to film some stuff for an Off The Wall promo videoo..it was absolutely hilariouss..Don, who is like the excecutive director of the ministry is hysterical. Ahh it was so funnyy..I had to say like why i was there and stuff and what it meant to mee..And i hadnt actually really thought about it properly but when i had to actually voice it in a sentance it was quite nice.. I said i was there because i felt really broken from some bad relationships and situations and just need time away to heal and grow in God..Thenn i was asked what the dicipleship meant so far to me and how the community which Off The Wall offers is different from the one at home, and i explained how I felt that in some Christian circles it felt like people wanted to always be happier that you and do better and know more about God and have better relationships and they just constantly want to prove this and its so destructive because you're just left feeling completely beaten up..But here, like i've explained already, these people want the best for you, they want you to grow in your relationship with God, if anything they want you to be better that them..I forgot to mention, and i wish i had, how it was an atmosphere of love; patricularly living in a house with 5 other girls..theres no tension or cattiness its just peaceful. Having Jill and Tina about has meant alot too..
And then last night we went out for dinner all six of us..which was nice, i was thoughtful so just kinda sat back and listened it was really nice
This morning we went for breakfast with Tina's sister Rita who is freakin hilarious..Tina and her together are just soo funny..i laughed a whole lot..then we went to see some puppies and you can just pick them up and cuddle them and i didnt want to put them back it was really saddd :(
Then just came home and i was writing alot and reading and then my devotional today was about something which has been on my mind past two days, funny when that happens..But it was about Zechariah 5 and how the he saw that someone was measuring out Isreal to build walls around it and God told him not to let walls be built, that He would protect the city and its people withh walls of fire..
Hit me like a slap in the facee..Been realising that i've developed a real bitterness and lack of trust towards people..From when i've been hurtt, when false things have been spoken about me and people have believed it and also when i've done things wrong, which happens often enough, and most of the times..the only people who have stood by me have been my non christian friends at home..they have forgiven me in an instance and never said a negative word against me..they openly defend me, which amazes mee..So i guess i'm realising alot more hurt..but also that its preventing me from making and enjoying relationships because i don't trust people. But then when I read Zechariah 5, and how the people of Isreal were scared of being hurtt so they wanted to build a freakin huge wall..but God didnt want that and he doesnt want it for me either..Then was listening to a song by Ryan Griffith called Refugee..and its along the same lines:
"God is our refuge and our strength,
An ever present help.
Therefore i shall not fear..
Though the earth gives way and mountains fall
Though its waters rise and my world may shake..
Our God is the shelter in the strom
Our God is the one who wont let go..
Our god..he remains the same.."
This past two years my earth has fully given way and everythings been shaken up with relationships and it has made me really sacred. But God will not change, He will not let me go and He is my refuge!
So this weeks been about dealing some old hurts which is funny cause i've been reading a book on deliverance as well.
I've really been praying for like one particular realtionship and i've been like ok right God if you can just do this or change this or if you could make this happen or remove these feelings and its so stupid cause what i want is probably completely the wrong thing so just had to pray that His will will be done in everything..cause He knows best..Even though these things are hard and i've been thinking alot I havent been sad..still managing to find the joy!!
Also learning the beauty of just chilling ouutt..Psalm 46:10.. "...be still and know that I am God.." abso lushhh :)
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