my thoughts are a little muddled so blogs are coming few and far between. but two good friends of mine have started writing them..

www.backtofactorysettings.blogspot.com
this is Josh's and i laughed out loud at something in his most recent blog..

www.moreinlove.blogspot.com
this is Kirsty's, one of the most beautiful people i know and an actual answer to prayer in my life..i think you can see that in her blogs..filled with love!

to do list

talk less
listen more
stop trying to fix people, its not your job, ever.
do not be influenced by people more than God
read the bible more than other authors
do not let the music you listen to form your identity
do not let your "identity" influence the music you listen to
learn something new everyday
pick a favourite place in the world
go there
move on
take your outfits less seriously
take more photographs
throw a pair of trainers over telephone wires

all to him i owe

whatever is going on in your head or your heart, take a minute and think about the cross..
read Matt26 particularly v31-46


it will break your heart when you let Jesus show you what he did for you and then it will fill you with joy when you accept that he did it expecting no repayment but he will help you love like him
love that hung on a cross

with everything

it starts when you thought your heart would literally stop
this is more than an intimate relationship
its bigger than church membership
more intrusive than accountability
more permanent than a tattoo on your forehead
not purchased on a whim like your favourite pair of overpriced shoes
higher highs and lower lows than MDMA
more dependant than an aortic pump on oxygen
reliant as a wheelchair user
a better journey than round the world in 80 days
with enough roundabouts to cause nausea
as conflicting to modern society as cannibalism
more gut wrenching than that bad news that blindsides you on a monday afternoon
the romance of a first kiss with the commitment of a 70 year marriage
the humility of the pardoned
peaceful as the instant just before you fall asleep
and its not finished until your lungs deflate one last time

i wana spend the rest of my life alive

we are all like Eve
we have everything we need and much much much more
we have churches a plenty, house groups, drop ins, coffee shops, bibles, podcasts and ipods, wealth beyond our wildest dreams, God TV, worship leaders, good friends and incredible friends, free speech, free time
but we want that apple, the forbidden fruit
something that loooks amazing but God has said no.
we want what we are not allowed
and we reach for it
and the second our grubby little hand reaches up for that ever so shiny fruit
we fall
sometimes we go right on ahead and eat the whole bloody thing
sometimes we realise and see the little wires coming from the apple leading to the count down clock
but we still reached
i didn't trust God and i got proud
Eve fell for all of us
i always want something i cant have
the rebellious teen syndrome
when i reach for what God has prohibited, i fall away from his love and his plan
and 11 times out of 10 the apple doesn't just have a worm in it, but a nuclear bomb
that destructs my relationships, my focus and my identity
and then when i am lying in this pit of self pity (otherwise known as my bed, listening to Damien Rice)
blaming everyone but myself, i am 20th Century child after all, i don't know the meaning of integrity
God somehow sees fit to remind me of what things were like before the apple, before the nuclear bomb of sin
and that i can have that again with not even so much as a tick of a reminder.
wiped clean
it will happen over and over
we will disobey
and God will stand like a parent on the sidelines screaming at us "NOO GO THE OTHER WAY.."
but of course we don't, we rarely do
and don't get all uppity when you look back on the times you were obedient; cause you couldn't have done it with out the Holy Spirit anyway..
without him we will always make the wrong choice
with him, sometimes we get to make the right one..
be obedient
He's got a plan you know

i choose this

if you follow me on twitter or have me as a friend on facebook then you will have noticed me ranting about a gig i went to last night, David Ford in The Empire..with Duke Special and Phil Jupitus!it was the most incredible night of my life...
Although David Ford is quite anti religion, and generally quite cynical, nor would he probably appreciate me saying this...but the gig just left me in awe of God and his goodness and how beautiful he is...wow.its just blown my mind and reminded me how very very good my God is...human beings are so beautiful, and i don't just mean white teeth and shiny hair but souls and talent..I have never seen such passion, i genuinely could just cry when i think about David Ford singing..he was just right there giving it all he had...climbing all over this gorgeous stage singing about how this world has broken his heart. 


I have had one other moment like this, in America when Jill sang You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham...just gives me shivers!


Appreciate the beauty of a human being..
Francis Chan talks about all the different kinds of laughter..how amazing..not the physical but the spiritual..the part that gives love and has faith and feels hope and breaks when its crushed..


So embarking on a different season in my life, which is very exciting..i know its going to be difficult but I'm actually looking forward to some turmoil...i think its when we are at our lowest we know with up most certainty that God is love. 


Been thinking about Ecclesiastes3v11

"he has set eternity in the hearts of men.."

i have an eternity shaped hole in my heart
that no one can fill
no one could handle that pressure.
God WANTS to be that
he is the eternity shaped peg
when i try to put a human shaped peg in there my heart breaks
God breaks it
to prove me wrong
time and time again
cause keeep doing it!
but he isnt breaking my heart to be spiteful
its grace
grace breaks it then puts it back together the right way and leaves this huge gaping hole right in the middle for my God to come and fill


"i see your face in every sunrise
the colours of the morning are inside your eyes
the world awakens in the light of the day
i look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful..."


God is beautiful..
not in this very pitiful aesthetic way in which we surmise beauty in waist size and skin tone
but in this all powerful breath taking punch to the stomach
that winds me completely when i see an english man singing about his travels and realise that
God loves him and he doesn't even know..
then i realise God loves me
he made the world
ex nihilo               out of nothing
and he is in love with me.
he thinks i am beautiful
and he's watched over 4 million sunrises from the top of everest and the bay of bengal..
wow


my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness

recently had this feeling like I've let myself down, like i could have tried harder and done more..and its a difficult feeling to deal with..I'm not sure really what to do with it or where to put it...its hard to feel encouraged when everyone seems to be just treading water, barely keeping their heads above the surface. as humans, particularly in the opulent west, it is very easy to focus on the negative, and see all that we are lacking, we do it with the physical but also with the spiritual..we want so much..
i know I've ranted about the negatives of contentment but there is alot to be said for being content with the right attitude, being content in pain and growth. I am learning, like Paul, to be content in all things. It isn't easy, having a home in Leeds i could very easily run away too.. but i am very sure that this is where God wants me, and although its extremely difficult when you have to see your past mistakes written all over peoples faces, i have to remember that God's grace is enough for me.
that he has a plan and i have to seek that every day, every hour in every decision and conversation. i have to be intentional and i have to be loving. and the past is done and gone and the mistakes are covered and already paid for. "..the cheque cleared.."

YEA!

"Jesus did many other things as well, if everyone of them were written down, i suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written..."
John21v25


that's my Saviour.

eph1v13b-14

"...having believed you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, as a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possessions..."

judgemental eyes

the parable of the lost son.Luke 15
what about the son who was never lost...who stayed loyally by the fathers side and couldn't believe when the son who disobeyed, ran away and made a mockery of his father got a party when he returned?where was the older sons party?he had been loyal this whole time.

the older son, the one that didn't run away..puts himself first, not the father or his brother..

We put ourselves first and then cannot be happy when someone gets more than we do, is happier than we are, seems more blessed...
We become the older jealous brother.
We are all the lost son..we all run away and we all have come back and God does truly through a party for us...but when we see other people blessed, we should be happy for them!no matter how much or little we have..We should see how happy it makes our father and our brother or sister.

what would happen if the younger, lost son, had met the older brother when he returned to his fathers farm and not his father..
people who strive to return to God, often they see Christians first before they truly get to know the father..
What do we display?of course to them we are happy and open to brand new Christians, but to others we are bitter and bitchy..we know no forgiveness or mercy, we display no grace and very little love...

having a bad day?

have you been betrayed by one of your closest friends for money, tried and found guilty of no crime, stripped in public and whipped until the skin came off your back, had a crown of thorns pressed into your scalp in the most mocking of fashions, nails hammered through your hands and feet, left to hang by those wounds beside two criminals while your mother cries at your feet, watched soldiers gamble for your clothes, had your father, the God of the universe, turn his back on you, there is no martyrs glory here, taken the sin and guilt of every human being, every disgusting thought and selfish action and then died?


then you don't know the meaning of a bad day
stop making excuses
stop blaming unloving behaviour on trivial things of this world...
although yes we hurt and yes things go wrong in our eyes 
but God loves us and God is in control..
so when i think about his magnitude and my pitiful life...
is having a bad day really a good enough excuse?
nahh

your love is a symphony

exodus33v12-16


"You have said 'I know your name and I have favour with you..' 
If you are pleased with me teach me your ways so i may know you and continue to find favour with you. Remember that this nation is your people..
The Lord replied 'My presence will go with you and I will give you rest..'
Then Moses said to Him 'If Your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here..'"


Moses didn't wana go unless God was going with him..
I don't wana do it if i can't do it for You and with You....

live like your alive

"..Father time steals our days like a thief

there's no price i wouldn't pay to get some relief

i have become the shadow of man

i cant begin to even understand

have i forgotten who i am?

come on and resurrect me.."

sometimes i forget i am a child of God..

we use the word God so much..but like a God!?THE GOD!

who created everything, sustains it all and animates it..who each morning actively chooses to wake me up..

his daughter...he has protected my heart...brought me joy and given me trials to make me better..encouraged me..written me love letters in Psalms..

in a relationship with someone who actually died for me, not a promise that if a bullet was fired he would take it..he actually has already died for me?!a bullet would have been a welcome substitute for how he did die! 

imagine if your best friend died for you right now.....thats how we should feel.

don't need much more proof than that

i am absolutely perfect cause God doesn't make mistakes,

when i do something wrong..God isn't like 

WHAT!HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED?!?

he's like.."ah yes...saw that coming like 92375345908345098245068203945719836495871934852456 years ago..s'alright though darling.."

And then Jesus says..."i got this soph, don't sweat it.."

i am an heiress to a kingdom that i fight for with my brothers and sisters daily

a warrior although it feels like all the armour is toooo heavy sometimes i know i only need to be on my knees, head bowed to fight.

some days i live like i'm dead..

but i am only dead to sin!

I AM ALIVE

my heart beats with fury when i acknowledge who i am in Christ

cause as Sophie Lennon..I'm not much..

sometimes i think i am but the spirit always gives me a cheeky slap and tells me to wind my neck in

but when i stand behind this huge wooden cross with nail holes and a sign above, covered in blood..

i am someone..

my hands and feet don't have holes

I've never been whipped or spat on..

but i have the capability for the same love..

i try to plan things

"Man plans, God laughs.."

I'm like a child tryna do a puzzle..i used to always force the pieces into the wrong holes and my sister would get so annoyed with me.

i was more concerned with the huge pile of pieces that still hadn't been put in place

she wanted the nice picture of Jane and Tarzan at the end..

i want just have it all done now

God is building the pretty picture that will come only at the very end, it cannot be rushed and smushing bits in anywhere will not help anything;

ok God I'm crap at patience and next year i finish uni and i don't know how to do what you want and I'm scared sometimes and i want kids so i need a husband NOW

and once again..God is not actually shocked by this.. "and your point isss......?"

surprisingly, he knows i finish uni next year...he knows i want kids and he knows that's probably when me and him will work on some patience...
if i look at my life, when i took control....i really dont understand why i haven't learnt my lesson!

oh we are so naive..

if i should have a daughter by Sarah Kay

If I should have a daughter, instead of Mom, she's gonna call me Point B, because that way she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. 
And I'm going to paint solar systems on the backs of her hands, so she has to learn the entire universe before she can say, "Oh, I know that like the back of my hand." 
And she's going to learn that this life will hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. 
But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. 
There is hurt here that cannot be fixed by Band-Aids or poetry. 
So the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming, I'll make sure she knows she doesn't have to wear the cape all by herself.
Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. 
Believe me, I've tried. "And, baby," I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that. I know that trick; I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house, so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place, to see if you can change him." 
But I know she will anyway, so instead I'll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby, because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix. 
Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix. 
But that's what the rain boots are for. 
Because rain will wash away everything, if you let it. 
I want her to look at the world through the underside of a glass-bottom boat, to look through a microscope at the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind, because that's the way my mom taught me. 
That there'll be days like this. 
There'll be days like this, my momma said.
When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. 
And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. 
Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's swept away. 
You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. 
You will put the star in starting over, and over. 
And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life. 
And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive.
But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. 
It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it. 
"Baby," I'll tell her, "remember, your mama is a worrier, and your papa is a warrior, and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." 
Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things. 
And always apologize when you've done something wrong. 
But don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. 
Your voice is small, but don't ever stop singing. 
And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door and offer you handouts on street-corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.

amazing grace

grace..
that which we do not deserve
when your plans get cancelled
when you cant sleep at night
a long walk you didn't want
someone who steps out of your life
Gods call to your heart
he arranges to spend time with us, no distractions
he brings things to the forefront of our mind when our heads on a pillow
he gives us time to think as our feet move us forward
he allows us to put him first when we have no one else
we deserve to have busy schedules ALWAYS
to watch crap on 4OD till 2am, wake up at 12 the next day and rush about only to repeat in the next 24hr period
a lift in a car with Radio 1 on mind numbling loud so you can do nothing else but sing along
that special someone who owns all of our heart
we deserve nothing more than ourselves
we deserve to die alone and surface level happy
and spend the rest of forever by ourselves

the world tells us we want these things!
you deserve it
put yourself first..

grace saves us from ourselves
grace gives us nothing when we want something so we learn that only God satisfies
grace gives us nobody when we want anybody so we catch on that Jesus is all we need and what we're here for
grace gives us darkness when we want light to build our character
grace gives us no clues when we want to know what's going on so we can trust him
grace gives us time when we are told that if you're not busy you're wasting time so that we know that Jesus wants to spend time with us
grace causes your day to fall to pieces so you know, in future, God must be first, first thing in the morning
grace will bring THE MOST IRRITATING PEOPLE into your day so you can practice some grace
grace will make you have a bad hair day so you realised that image will not make you fall more in love with Jesus
grace will show you eternity and let you choose.

you will never be rich enough to understand that things will not satisfy

i am being taught alot at the minute and its difficult...can't say I'm all that happy about it.


been on this freedom from self hype..how it doesn't matter what people think about us, we don't need to jump to defend ourselves, or our faith because God is perfectly capable of defending himself and we must practice humility and grace


"There exists a glorious freedom for the few souls brace enough to entrust their reputation, future and lives to Christ...Let me ask you, who is freer? The person who has an uncontrollable impulse to speak to defend himself, and does so, or the person who also has an impulse to defend himself but is free enough to stay quiet.."
Dennis Kinlaw


And because i have asked God to challenge this in me..i am being faced with alot of people who don't like me because of the way i used to be..and reminded rather brutally of my previous actions..everything in me wants to kick off, defend my self and scream God has changed me..but i cant..i have to sit there and take it and remember that this will show the biggest change..not biting peoples heads of..standing in a huge puddle of grace, dripping wet with the blood of Christ and nodding as accusations are levelled against me in dirty looks and silent smirks..


something in me wants to run away..i have to fight very hard the part of me which wants to retreat and hide because relationships are awful..i hurt people and people hurt me..but people are necessary..i need community and i need relationships and they bring alot of joy and encouragement..


but I've asked God to change something in my heart and he's doing it..its just hard!

elizabeth darcy..

we have a knew puppy :) she's lovely...my family have decided to call her Darcy, now if she was a boy that would be fine cause i could have called him Mr Darcy but, she is not so i am going to have call her Elizabeth Darcy..because i love Pride and Prejudice and Jane Austen...
on a sad note my cat Michael has been evicted.. but he wasn't even really mine so I'll get over that...

so been thinking past couple of days..and after a lovely chat with Kathryn Parr about how our perspective is affected by who owns our hearts.

If i give my heart to Jesus daily, hourly almost it needs to be...then i am filled with his love and grace cause of the Holy Spirit....so that's like my filter on people and situations i find myself in..it is much easier to be forgiving when i am being forgiven...much easier to show love when i am allowing myself to be loved on!
But if i put myself first in my heart, then i get angry cause the focus is on me and not the kingdom or Jesus....i feel hurt or upset easily..i get angry at people cause i have no source of grace!
if i put someone else first..then i view everything through that relationship with that person..it affects how i see people and myself and daily situations.. not ok
(i really prove that nirish people say situation alot...but i can't think of an alternative way of saying it!i even thesaurus.comed it and nothing adequate was given..i apologise..)

so i have to make sure that God has my heart, and that in every relationship and situation He comes first cause other wise my reactions and interactions will be selfish and i don't want that!

i am very tired but cant sleep..how annoying.
i love being home!
going to visit bookends tomorrow for some second hand books.....treat!