you will never be rich enough to understand that things will not satisfy

i am being taught alot at the minute and its difficult...can't say I'm all that happy about it.


been on this freedom from self hype..how it doesn't matter what people think about us, we don't need to jump to defend ourselves, or our faith because God is perfectly capable of defending himself and we must practice humility and grace


"There exists a glorious freedom for the few souls brace enough to entrust their reputation, future and lives to Christ...Let me ask you, who is freer? The person who has an uncontrollable impulse to speak to defend himself, and does so, or the person who also has an impulse to defend himself but is free enough to stay quiet.."
Dennis Kinlaw


And because i have asked God to challenge this in me..i am being faced with alot of people who don't like me because of the way i used to be..and reminded rather brutally of my previous actions..everything in me wants to kick off, defend my self and scream God has changed me..but i cant..i have to sit there and take it and remember that this will show the biggest change..not biting peoples heads of..standing in a huge puddle of grace, dripping wet with the blood of Christ and nodding as accusations are levelled against me in dirty looks and silent smirks..


something in me wants to run away..i have to fight very hard the part of me which wants to retreat and hide because relationships are awful..i hurt people and people hurt me..but people are necessary..i need community and i need relationships and they bring alot of joy and encouragement..


but I've asked God to change something in my heart and he's doing it..its just hard!