1Corinth7v29-31
"what i mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they have none; those who who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed by them..For this world in its present form is passing away.."

i have an urgency
i cannot believe tomorrow is the 1st of December 2011..
my life is so short and i do not want to waste it with things that are not what God has planned for me

breaking heart

today we had two really hard lectures in uni
the first one was about sexual violence and honour crimes
and the second about famine, poverty and aid..
its hard to trust God when there is so much horrific suffering in the world
today God really broke my heart for young people and young women who suffer so much at the hands of those who are supposed to love and cherish them
of course there is my human nature that wants to blame God for this,
to be angry at him
but i know that i can't
i trust God, and trust that he has a plan
he see's the big picture and i am sure there is a purpose for this
i was reminded of the power of prayer, the importance of tithing not just to my church but to charities that i trust will make a difference and i was also reminded of Daniel 4v35
"No one can hold back his hand, or say to him; 'What have you done?'"

i believe God loves passionately
i believe he is a wrathful God
i believe he is just
i believe that my cries are heard by him
i believe he has a plan that is about his glory
i believe we have free will
sometimes these things don't add up in my tiny little finite brain

if you really want something
you will get it
you won't make excuses
you won't sit and watch tv for 3 hours...
it isn't about saying 'Jesus i want all of you'
and not spending time with him
in fact putting other things first, spending time with people instead
this says, i want people to think that i want it, but i don't
God is not fooled by my empty words
or, i'm trying to move on..
but then spending time with the person or thing..
continually allowing it purchase in your heart
God says, 'i want all of you'
and he takes it,
"i love you forever,
Saviour take all of me"
i have never be so convicted of my laziness, selfishness and pride
i have never struggled so much
but i have never been as joyful
if you really want something
you will get it
go get it.

so instead of asking God to be part of your day/week/life/future
why not ask God if you can be part of what he has planned
his plans are much better.

so here's the story..
i wrote a post this morning about how destructive it is when we talk about each other
i was hurt and angry when i wrote so i withdrew it, with the aim to re-post it if i still felt the same tonight..
i am not angry and a little less hurt
its is extremely hard to find joy when things seem to be going wrong
it is extremely hard not to focus on these things, to want revenge and to want the world to know what has been done to you
i spent the day doing uni work and having a wee cry to Jesus
and he reminded me of a song that i have quoted more than once on this blog
"turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face and the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of his beauty and grace.."
i love this song alot but i couldn't do it..i couldn't focus on Jesus, i couldn't pray all i could do was talk about myself and why i was upset
maybe its a girl thing but my mind was going round and round
i messaged few people who i trust and love and asked them to pray
and they must have done because something clicked..
i don't have a miraculous answer as to how i was able to be content despite being hurt
but i know that all i had to do was look back over my life and at all the times i thought i had lost everything
and how each one of those times something greater came of it
things are hard and people are hurtful
but i still have God..
i was able to see the footprints
i realised that he knows
and i remembered that he has a plan
a plan that i am not the centre of

prayer

only gonna be a short one today cause i am a tired goose
but just wanted to share what God has been teaching me about prayer
i am finding it a huge encouragement to myself when i can sit down and spend some time praying for other people
i have to do it with a pen and paper or my mind gets totally distracted
and when danielle is out i love putting music on loud and just really crying out to God for people
i am so thankful for every person in my life
i love knowing about their lives and being able to go to God on behalf of them
whether i'm worried or grateful i am learning to give it all to him, because often i can't do much for your circumstances but i can pray, so i will
recently everyone seems to be a little weary, a little worn out, a little stressed and a little overwhelmed
and to be able to tell someone that you are fighting for them, praying over their heart and life to a God who genuinely cares and has the power to do something about it is awesome
send someone a text that you've been praying for and let them know what specifically you've been taking to God about for them
or text someone and let them know what's going on and what you need prayer for
this is biblical community

happy thanksgiving

Christians who complain alot, including myself

dislike

be thankful that you have a job instead of complaining about having to work, God has blessed you with it and the opportunity to earn money.

And if you hate it that much, quit.

be grateful that you can go to university, that you have a brain that can be filled with knowledge

appreciate that God has put challenging people in your life to help you grow. 

If they hurt you, express it, forgive them and move on

be content when you don't have alot of money that you do not live in poverty and are not controlled by the lust of possessions

be comfortable at nights in alone because God is calling to your heart to spend some time with him.

gurn up.

what is attractive about Christianity when you take for granted all of the blessings in your life?

it is ok to be upset sometimes, but perhaps if you spent some time being thankful for the place God has you and the people you could reach you would not be so focused on yourself.

Paul, in prison, in chains, persecuted said "i know what it is to be in need and i know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.." phil4v12-13

 

you can learn to be content with the 6am start, on your feet all day, mentally exhausting, nights in alone through Christ who will strengthen you in joy if you let him.

it ain't mine anyway

so today i've really been challenged about money
as a student, i don't have alot of money and today i've had a little stress out about rent and bills and i want to go to America for a while and i want to buy a house in the not so distant future...
in my church they always say
you are blessed to be a blessing..
and i do agree with that but i live on a budget and i just sometimes think i can't afford to give even though i know its biblical.
and as i was praying through this God brought some thoughts to my mind,
the money that i have, is not mine..
well actually its the governments cause its a student loan,
but what i mean is it's Gods..he has blessed me with it
and when i refuse to give because i don't trust him to look after me that isn't ok!
he is worth all of my money
i want to believe that if i gave every penny that i owned to my church that God would not let me go without
now as much as i would like to do that, i don't think God wants us to be silly with our money
but, if he asked i hope that i would have the faith to do it

2 Corinth8v7
"But just as you excel in everything else - in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for each other - see that you also excel in this grace of giving.."

it is the grace of God that allows us to contribute to his kingdom,
do not think that you can substitute time for money
doesn't work that way i am afraid...
the widow gave all that she had.

as if God needs our money?
do you not think he could provide plentifully for every person if he wanted to?
he could,
but he doesn't because he desires to teach us how unimportant money is,
and that if we worry about it, we become a slave to it
he wants us to build a biblical community where money is not an issue,
so that we freely help eachother out without the fear of having to go without ourselves,

i am thankful that not only am i allowed to bless my church,
but also, God will provide for me cause i am more important that birds in the field!

day 2

sometimes i literally shock my self at how sinful i am
a thought runs through my head and i just say it out loud
and immediately my conscience screams 'WHAT!'
i think we get a little arrogant as christians
we never say it out loud
but over time, we ask for forgiveness less and less
i am so lazy, and proud and selfish
i lie and i don't want to give up my popularity, what little of it there is left
this week i've asked God to remind me how fallen i am, and to do it gently
but also of how holy he is
he has
and it has been rough
i just think, how can a God, so infinitely perfect, so holy and so clean love me?
i have such a bad attitude, if someone doesn't do something my way they are wrong.
i know what i want and i want it now
i am scared to tell people i love Jesus
how dare i?!who do i think i am?!
i am craving a heart of humility and obedience
the more i am aware of how sinful i am the more i realise how incredibly precious Jesus death was, and how exceptional God's love is
and that, is causing me to love him more
the relationship that i have with God is so valuable because i am his beloved and i do not deserve it, even in my best moments, even the good i think i do..it is filthy rags
the love i have i do not deserve
how could i not love back with the tiny broken heart i have?
how could i not give my life, my dreams and my plans to someone who loves me in this state?

thankful

Diet Jesus

gonna try doing a blog a day for a bit..


so i have some Muslim mates at uni,
and we have some pretty interesting conversations as you can imagine..
and they can't get there head around Jesus' sacrifice..
they don't believe that God could sacrifice his son..especially the lads.
and i don't really get it either..
it doesn't make sense,
but i know it in my heart like the way i know in my head what i look like
i just know.
and it isn't my place to make it socially acceptable or politically correct
which also sucks cause some of my friends are gay..
and i love them, and they want me to fight with them for gay marriage rights..and i can't.
that really breaks my heart.
but i cannot take Christ and give him the morals or characteristics of a 21st Century human being
i cannot put Jesus on a diet so people will like him.
hey look how much weight Jesus has lost?
when we do that, we take away the weight of the sins of the world,
the weight of the sacrifice
you cannot take away the need for wrath and the given grace
they are heavy
do not put Jesus on a diet
do not put make up on him, to make him pretty and desirable
because you will cover his scars
what he did for us does not make sense,
and it is a fearful thing to kneel in front of the ruler of the universe with my wretched nature
but let that fear bring you to awe and love
be aware of how utterly sinful you are
and the fact that he still loves you.
why are we surprised when we tell people about God in our terms and they don't want to believe in him?
why are you surprised that people don't want to worship a God that you have turned into a care bear, that is all love peace hope joy and rainbows
and yes he is those things
but he is mighty
and he is full of wrath and jealousy
and people need to know that he wants them
Jesus doesn't tap people on the shoulder and whisper...'oh hey..sometime maybe, if you wana confess your sins, and stop bitching and drinking, you know, that'd be cool...'
no way.
he grabs them by the heart and soul and bellows
'You are sinful, the things you try to do for good are disgusting dirty rags, i hate sin and i hate lies and i hate greed..but i want you.ALL of you..not just sunday you..all. and i am worthy..and i demand obedience...and i love you.'

makes no sense.
but i know it.
and when i tell people about him
i have to tell all of it
there is hell and there is heaven and you have to choose.
its not nice,
but who wants nice?
there is no nice in love
there is only raw passion desire and a man hung on a tree

"Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom..

but we preach Christ crucified: 

a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles.."

1Corinth1v22-23

meet my eye

your eyes are the colour of hope

i find it so hard to lift my head somedays 

i feel defeated by all the wrong i do, by how lazy i am

i want to sleep from 3pm unitll its all ok again

but you always find me

and tilt my head up

and force me to look in your eyes

a sunset or a verse or a text 

you manage to force me to focus on you

and you remind me that you are greater

neverending

the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am  the more i fall in love with how perfect he is  the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more  i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in  love with how perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect  he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is  the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how  perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love  with how perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how  perfect he is the more i realise  how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more  i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love  with how perfect he  is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is  the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with  how perfect he is the more i realise how  sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the  more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more  i realise how sinful i am

kindly please get over yourself

so Matt Chandler uses this illustration when talking about how self focused we are..
a cat is fed, watered, walked and given affection and attention by its owner, 
and so thinks 'i am god'
a dog is fed, watered, walked and given affection and attention by its owner, 
and so it thinks 'my owner is god'


but it sent my mind off on a tangent
sometimes i think we have the mindset of a cat
but we are so far from the truth
our lives are not about us
the good things in my life are not about me
the bad things that happen are not about me
your job is not about you
where you live is not about you
your relationships are not about you
your free time is not about you
your church is not about you
you are not about you
you are to give glory to God
to point to him with hands raised in praise
that.is.all.
and we all will say this with our mouths
"i am not the centre of the universe..my life is about God, about glorifying him"
but our actions scream 
"IT IS ALL ABOUT ME"
if you truly believe your life was about God
if you knew that you exist to bring glory to God
would you talk about people when they are not there?
how does God get the glory here?
is this about God or you?
does this cause the world to see eternity in your heart?
NO
would you refuse to face the problems?
would you lie?
would you complain?
would you put anything else above him?
would you be jealous?
would you feel crushed?
would you flirt?
would you hoarde your money?
would you not speak to people?
cause we don't say it out right, we just get annoyed when people don't put us first!
you would only build up and encourage
you would admit and talk through issues
you would rejoice no matter what
you would put God first in EVERYTHING
you would be happy for eachother
you would know your hope is in him
you would build each other up in brotherly/sisterly love
you would give freely
you would love everyone


everything.
from the city that you live it to the clothes on your back,
the thoughts in your head and the food in your tummy
are about giving the glory to God
the things you are blessed with, clothes, friendship, a job..are great and they give us joy but it doesn't stop there.
they are a means to an end
he blesses us so we praise him
so praise him
the hurt, the illness, the broken heart, the weakness...
are hard and i am not belittling that
but they are they to show the world that God comes first 
and even in these situations we praise and we say thank you


so kindly please get over yourself.
it isn't about you and it never will be
life is alot simpler when it is about God
i find my cares to be very much shrunken when the creator of all things and the human man dead on a cross for me are placed smack bang in the middle


"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God"
1Corinth10v31

yes

finally learning that only God satisfies..

i have tried most other things

i won't like, they are pretty crappy

they get awfully boring after a while

but this?

is new every morning

makes my cheeks hurt with joy

brings me dancing in church

and peaceful sleep at night

it makes absolutely no sense

but i have fallen in love

i am intoxicated with Christ and his sacrifice for my heart

it isn't easy

but we so easily make sacrifices and compromises for other relationships, for jobs and oppurtunities

so try defend why you won't sacrifice that for saving grace?

so i've had a pretty bumpy couple of weeks,
but today i had a meeting at church about placement
i had a little glimpse of the plan that God has for me
in the midst of all my stressing He reminds me
'i got this..'


i am so in awe of how infinately good my God is

i love you with all of my aortic pump

if dependence is the objective, weakness is an advantage
Thank Goodness.
I am so weak
in morals
in mind
in discipline
I am learning, that an extra half an hour sleep in the morning won't help
half an hour spent with God, first thing in the morning, will keep me in awe of him all day, and that will make all the difference
and i know this
but when my alarm goes off in the morning i still want to snooze!
i am weak
i am learning that i need that God time in the morning, and so if i still want to sleep as long as possible it means getting my bag ready for uni the night before, it means setting a violent alarm on my phone and leaving my phone on the other side of the room so i HAVE to get out of bed to turn it off..
i cannot sacrifice God time for sleep
discipline
disciple
thank goodness for grace
thank goodness i cannot do this by myself
i am thankful and i am blessed that God tests my heart and pushes me
so that i have no choice but to let him in
people say religion is a crutch
perhaps
but i think the situation is much much worse than a broken limb..
i need a stretcher and a full body cast
cause i CAN'T do it alone
and i don't want to
God breaks every bone in me
pride, deceit, bad attitude, greed, lust, laziness
and i am thankful
a crutch implies that Christian's are weak..
oh you are so wrong
we are ALL weak
Christians merely put earthly things into an eternity perspective and fall to our knees admitting to the world and to ourselves that we are so weak and so wicked and that we need help

so religion is not just a crutch, nor is this religion
its discipleship right from the maker
it requires discipline
counting to 3 then jumping out of bed
it requires weakness

"Imagine a future moment in your life, 

where all your dreams come true. 

You know it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person.

Who's standing next to you...?"

don't be suprised

do not think that you are getting away with idolatry

if there is something that you love more than him he will expose it in your heart

passive wrath

he will take it away

and while you are lying on the floor bawling your eyes out and you notice that you really should hoover your carpet

he is wooing you

he has taken away what you were standing on because it is not sturdy, it is not without fault and the world will tell you you need a new better one in a week

he has taken it away because he wants you to have him as a firm foundation

that will not rot

is not based on emotion

cannot be bought or sold

demands obedience and respect

is not an empty word nor selfish action

but a life altering, axis spinning statement

i will love you.

drinking from the wrong well

John 4..
the woman at the well..
if you are drinking from the wrong well, you will not be satisfied
if you are drinking from money and comfort you will constantly be wanting,
if you try to stave off your thirst for life and purpose with things to make your life better you will be insatiable
God uses two examples..
Solomon - had it all....and declared it nothing over and over in the book of Ecclesiastes..
Job - had it all taken away and even in that place of deprivation and on his knees with not even his health to boast in he was able to worship God.

if you are drinking from relationship
if you are trying to find you worth in the people around you
be prepared to be constantly disappointed
people are flaky, emotional, and irrational..same as you, same as me
there is only one relationship that will never change, it will be steady and unchanging no matter how rough the storm nor how small the raft

if you are drinking from respect and power
if you place your identity in what people think about you
if you live for facebook comments and text messages, pats on the back and kind words
you will be a door mat and a people pleaser with opinions like a chameleon
not everyone will like you
how weak and watered down does 'i love you' from a mouth that in the next breath could curse you behind your back compared to the agonizing sacrifice of a father of his son for your heart

drink from the well that satisfies
Jesus
find your identity and security here
and let it bring you to a place of worship
so that when you stand in the crowd and sing a song you are in amazement
every word sung in the knowledge that you are in the presence of the king
grateful for every bit of a meal not matter how much nor how little food is in the fridge
blessed by every friendship and thankful for it

your love is better than life itself

i love train/bus stations and airports
i travel quite alot back and forth to uni and to different cities visiting friends
this involves spending time waiting around and people watching
there is something so sweet about two people meeting after they have been separated
you don't know how long for but one has just got off the train/bus/plane and the other couldn't be happier about it
it's so beautiful to see the love in the relationship
its almost too intimate to watch but yet i always do
and it always makes me smile
this is how i feel after a long day and spending time alone with Jesus
like thank goodness you're here
he puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a squeeze
and this is were i belong
i am safe here nestled under his shoulder
i have confidence in him
my identity in him is much more secure when i walk every day with him
but the world is there and they bang into us and sometimes we get separated
however he won't let me wander alone for long
his fingertips always find mine
i think sometimes he lets me walk alone just so i remember how grey and sharp the world is without it's maker to show me the beauty and the guidelines
and when i get to spend time alone with him, it is a blessing
i cherish these times when i read and pray and sing and cry because sometimes i have no other way of showing the emotion and he shows me more of him
how he loves me
and how vast and majestic and raw the Father is
lion of Judah
and i find that when i am aware of his presence, and work to stay in it, talking about him and all the glorious things he has done in my life comes very naturally because we love talking about what we love
its what is in our brain among our thoughts and on our hearts

"therefore Jesus told his diciples 'do not worry about your life or what you eat or what you wear. Life is more than food and the body more than clothes,

Consider the ravens, they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them. How much more valuable you are than birds!

Who of you can add a single hour to your life, if you can not do this little thing, why do you worry about the rest?'

Luke12v22

i am so bad at keeping how i feel hidden
sometimes i feel its going to bubble over
like my ribcage can't contain it
trying to live in grace is really hard
waking every morning and wiping all the slates clean
i have had to remove 'not this again' from my vocabulary
and its hard because that person has hurt you
its hard because we don't to let that anger go
they have damaged something and its not easy to let that go
you may feel angry or rejected or sad
but when you peel that emotion back,
when you peel off the plaster you will find a wound
and it stings like hell exposing that cut
makes you suck your breath in quickly between clenched teeth
but you have to
it won't heal in the dark
and more often than not, the person that grazed you won't be able to heal it
no matter how much you want them to fix it
and you want them to know the depth and breadth of the pain
they can't and won't help
i have the urge to raise my voice and swear and gesticulate with my hands at you
but you would do yourself alot of favours darling if you realised the world is not against you
so we remove the bandages and stand bare
infront of the person who knows what it is like to be pierced
we have to let him take the fury and the rejection and melancholy and replace it with love and grace and peace
the scars in your psyche, in your trust, in your relationship and in your memory are not there to remind you of the hurt, but to remind you that the bloody graze that stung with tears and oozed with malice has been replaced with a snow white scar, washed clean, pure and closed..
so when you feel like dragging up the past, it isnt there...and if the wound is re-opened it'll leave a bigger scar this time when its healed
so i have to live in a place of grace and scars
when God looks at us he does not see a great bloody mess but rather pure white because of someone else's scars
and we should look the same at the people who have hurt us
and be thankful that those we have hurt return the favour

joy

it's been a weird week..
had a three way skype with Jill and Jude on Wednesday which was lovely but it went down hill from there.
felt so overwhelmed by uni work, the pressure of this year and just had a head full of regrets and fury
was in a place that i hadn't been since i failed my year 11 chemistry mock.
God brought me to my knees and made me realise that i am the biggest threat to my own joy
when i try to walk in my own selfish way, try to control and manipulate, i will flail and srtuggle
i had to give it all up all over again
and it is so painful and so against our human nature to submit our lives
but we have to
cause my treasure is in heaven
i am here for the glory of God and nothing else
no degree can even make a dent in my identity as a daughter of the king..
i need to remember, and work daily on making my priority Jesus
the temporary cannot affect the eternal

"...Denying oneself means denying one's rights:to self-fulfillment to job satisfaction to health to a husband or wife to choosing my lifestyle.."

turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his beauty and grace

finding joy in not being in control

think our postman is scared of me

i love getting things in the post,
just received a package from jill with letters from people i miss alot in America..
with verses and prayers and an attempt to marry me off so i can have American citizinship, Shelly Troyer!
an aid package for my soul

so blessed and so encouraged
and so in love with a God that has people fighting for my heart halfway across the world

rush

these days feels like my life is on fast forward
in week 6 of uni already
there's talk of graduation and careers
and i always rush into prayer
dearGodpleasejustgivemepeacetodaycauseiknowiamgoingtostrugglethankyouforhelpingmegetupthismorningandthankyouforgrace
then when i stop to catch a breath for the next hasty demand
i breathe out
as God says, hi...pause
He reminds me to take some time and focus my mind and my heart
to realign my priorities
and to fall in love, each morning
and more and more every time i spend time with him
and to remember that i am here to worship him

"..i like your Christ, i do not like your Christians
your Christians are so unlike your Christ..."
read this quote by Ghandi at the weekend, Ricky Gervais wrote about it of all people,
but it has been challenging me alot
mostly because i agree with it
for myself and others
i want to be like Christ

some photos from my life

 cupcakes for P

halloween pumpkins 

upstairs in our house, Nana's teaset, cupcakes, fairy lights, pumpkins  

York Minster 

Benjamin Francis Leftwich 

HIYA

more baking.....