had an amazing weekend in York with Kat..had dinner with her and her friends, went to see Benjamin Francis Leftwich in a church which was just lovely and then on Sunday we went and had a walk round York, bought some fudge and then went to the Minster, which i think is kinda like a Cathedral?any way it was amazing..so huge and i was just so in awe of the majesty of God in there..we went and prayed and read the bible with each other for a while..whenever i see Kat it is always good for my soul because God is just the reason why we are friends, and i love it.
Then we went to church with Tim and his friend and was just so lovely to be welcomed in and feel part of it..really enjoyed the church as its just about God, no fuss or pantomime..you can't beat just focusing on God..
here are some things i learnt in York

1. God must come first or it'll be a massive fail
2. God gave us lots of good things, people, food, music so that we would enjoy them but also so that they would bring him glory..we should be thankful for food, and point to God in our relationships and worship with music. it is not an end in itself, simply a means to worship the creator rather than the created.
3. I am very blessed because God is good.
4. God is with me always..
5. Peace and rest are readily available no matter what is going on around us, we just have to ask.
6. I want to live in York

nothing in this world can handle being first in our hearts
it wasn't meant to be that way,
people, relationships, clothes, job, music
will crash and burn if you put that pressure on them
God must come first
he wants the pressure of all of your life being lived through him
i have watched so many people, including myself
put people or jobs first
and created an identity around that
then it has given way
put God first and put him in the centre

when did we stop telling people how we feel?
thats what i wana know

i dont want to ever feel like i did that day

i am learning to hold on to joy
learning to find it in all situations
no matter how small or how big
as a christian, i am not immune to anger or sadness
but i have to keep them in perspective..
the earthly versus the eternal
and the eternal is what will always bring me joy
no matter how heavy the burden or how far the road
there is joy in knowing that i am not alone
and never will be
there is joy in the simple things,
like when i feel so buried under a mountain of work,
there is chocolate cake and a study break and some Jesus time
i am so blessed and i sometimes lose sight of that
i like the sad songs on the radio
and putting ps i love you on when i need a cry
and i do not ever want to feel the way i felt that day
but there is nothing better than laughing
and knowing that there is someone enjoying watching me laughing
joy

love letter two

hi,
come over here and sit with me..
i will teach your heart the song to sing when you can't find the words
i will put your foot one in front of the other when all you want is your bed

it's been one of those weeks huh?
i know..
when you grow older you will look back and remember this and think how strong it made you
you grow to be so strong
i can't wait to grow old with you
right now you can't see past this week, this year
but i am already there in next week and in next year and all of your years after that for all of eternity
and i will help you trust me

let it all out
tell me
i want to know more than anything.
don't be silly, it doesn't get boring for me
you can tell me over and over that your mad or hurt or happy
the thoughts don't stop in your head, i get that, i made you that way!
but it isn't good for you to go over these conversations and situations, both that have happened and that you want to happen
you humans have 20/20 hindsight
instead of thinking what you should have said, or what your going to
talk to me
you can't change what has been done so stop it!!
dwell in peace and not regret, i didn't give you a life for you to wish it away thinking about what could have been
let me talk to you about your future
i know you want to know it all now, haha you love to be in control
but tough! its not up to you!!
talk to me about you're future..
don't tell me what to do, cause i know you would!
i know it seems scary, but if you give your future to me, you don't have to be afraid of what's coming!
i can only do good for you
and as we grow together and you start to want what i want you'll see that
lets grow old together

all of the rest and peace is here, you just have to ask
it's yours
i am yours
and you are mine, even if you do fight me on it sometimes..

just sit with me, if you need to sleep, sleep.
I'll be here when you wake up
promise.

psalm62v8

'trust in him at all times, O people..
pour out your hearts to him
for God is our refuge...'


you better believe i'm pouring my heart out to him..
best listener i have ever known

in awe

watched a programme tonight called Frozen Planet...
in one part it shows a glacier that is 2 miles thick and moves 40 meters a day on Greenland.
this absolutely terrifies me
perhaps i have read one too many Dan Brown novels, but the huge destructive force of this sheet of ice genuinely scares me
and then i realise
the dreamer, builder and designer of it, holds me tightly in his hands
i do not need to be afraid

plans to give you a hope and a future

i love being part of a family in America
i feel so blessed after every skype with Tina, Jill and Ashley..
Satan tries to use fear to destroy and break down what God has intended for good
tonight i will go to bed happy knowing that God is blessing the people who i hold in my heart
my throat is sore from screaming and laughing with them
could not be more joyful right now :)

#family

sometimes i can't switch my brain off
my mind is playing static
young offenders
placement
money
work
research proposal
books
i feel exhausted and all i want to do is spend some time with my Jesus but i can't
there is a weight and a heaviness
i don't know what to say to the infinate
when i feel very very finite
very stressed and very rushed 
and all i want to do is sleep for a year and wake up and be done with third year
all i can do
is sit
and let my heart cry for Jesus
i can't do anything
but i am here
and i want to love you more
i need your peace
i need your love
you are my everything
take all of me

"Do you not know? 

Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, 

the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, 

and his understanding no one can fathom. 

He gives strength to the weary 

and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary, 

and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40v28-31

this was one of tina's grandfather's favourite verses 
we went to see him before he died and he was really sick
but he knew God's peace
it was evident on his face
he was confident that God was greater
i want to be too.
its my memory verse for the week

read this

http://formetoliveischristandtodieisgain.blogspot.com/

Bip McMullen
this is one of the most spiritually beautiful people i know, if that doesn't sound completely pretentious
my blog is called, i saw something beautiful today cause i see so many things that are beautiful and all it takes is for us to remove the covers of the world and open our hearts to God and we will be staggered by his creation.
I had a moment last year when this girl was a friend to me..and opened her heart with such passion and honesty that it burned me and i went home and spoke to my God and said, i saw something beautiful today, i saw your daughter and i couldn't be happier that she's doing a blog to share her thoughts because God has given her some quite marvellous ones
(and she is actually beautiful and Courtney liked it so went and put a ring on it..)

open your eyes something beautiful is happening

went to see Charlie Simpson last night..was just lovely..
in the next month i have lots of gigs to go to..Benjamin Francis Leftwich, Death Cab for Cutie and Kowalski
i love watching live music, there are only a few things i enjoy doing more especially when the lyrics and music is so personal and so beautiful
"then i realise i will dream of you tonight
Shadows fold out like blankets on the ground"

also have 'deactivated' my facebook..
huge distraction in my life!
from work and from God
if i didn't mail you my email address its
soph_02@hotmail.co.uk
i love getting emails almost as much as i love getting letters
so email

got up at 8am today,
rather danielle woke me up at 8, which i appreciate cause she hates doing it cause i'm not a nice person when i wake up..
and then i iced a cake
now gonna do some work..

lotta love

since coming back from America, sometimes i have found it hard to be open and confident with my friends that i am christian, and that i'll only have one drink and that i go to church..
i have been embarrassed and scared that they would treat me differently
so, i apologize for underestimating you all
this week i have been learning that i am not ashamed,
i have changed but i am still the same person
i will still be the first one on the dance floor sober
i know its hard to believe that i would dance like that completely aware but you all tasted my drink and know it was lemonade
and i have been humbled
by the respect and love my friends have shown me
and i have been astounded that i am able to ask people to come to church..
the Spirit is certainly giving me confidence that i never had before
but it helps that i have friends that love me
and i love them too
and i love Jesus...
simple

banksy

you may feel like you're living in a nightmare but it is not finished
the final bell hasn't rung
the fat lady hasn't sung
the dream has not been cancelled
don't let it win

more Hosea

"The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, 
though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. 
Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites,
 though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. 

Then I told her, “You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.”

Hos3v1-3

God made us, thus, we belong to him

however, we cheated on him

and as i have done that analogie half to death, i hope you understand 

we betrayed him

but he bought us back

so you buy a dog
it runs away
you find it
and you have to pay for it again
annoying?
you bet...
now imagine that dog is really badly behaved
it rolls in dead badgers and wees on the good rug, bites you all the time and keeps you up all night
if it ran away would you even bother to look for it?
would you search and strive for it?
would your heart break for that misbehaving dog?
and if you found it with someone who didn't love it that much, fed it but never took it for a walk, lived in a disgusting house so didn't care that it pissed on the carpet and let the dog bite and growl and misbehave but sometimes kicked it for no reason and you had drag the dog away, would you?
would you pay more that what you payed for it in the first place knowing that it would mean you'd have to get rid of all the carpet in your house and spend alot of time teaching it not to bite you..and knowing it would run back to that dirty house again?
would you pay for it?
i am the dog.
that loves the world more than i should
but the man who owns me?has made me then paid for me again, has limitless patience teaching me, the world kicks me and his heart breaks, watches me run away only to pursue me and loves me enough to never let me go despite how badly i treat him

passenger seat

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

Jesus gave everything,
his life, his purity, his will, his Father and his family
so i am learning that really it shouldn't be too much for me to give up 'that' relationship, the next 3 years of my life, that bad attitude and the money that isn't mine anyway..
and i should do it joyfully and with a loving heart
like he did
when God asks you for something its with good reason..
"i want you to love me more so i'm asking for you to give that up..."
and we will be rewarded for obedience
i like being obedient
and when we aren't i have images of a father prying the grubby hands of a child from something that is bad for them..
although its not easy and the rebellious teenager in me demands, BUT WHY SHOULD I
and when God replies, "Because I say so.."
its hard not to have flashbacks to being fifteen
but He shouldn't have to give me a reason
i trust him
and
he gave his son for me

My song shall ever be

My Saviour, i love you

Jesus take all of me

Hosea 2

"She has said, I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water,

my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; 

I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. 

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; 

She will look for them but not find them. 

Then she will say, 

‘I will go back to my husband as at first, 

 for then I was better off than now.’ 

She has not acknowledged that I was the one 

who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, 

who lavished on her the silver and gold— 

   which they used for Baal...

 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, 

   which she said were her pay from her lovers; 

I will make them a thicket, 

   and wild animals will devour them. 

 I will punish her for the days 

   she burned incense to the Baals; 

she decked herself with rings and jewelry, 

   and went after her lovers, 

   but me she forgot,” 

            declares the LORD.

Therefore I am now going to allure her; 

   I will lead her into the wilderness 

   and speak tenderly to her.

“In that day,” declares the LORD, 

   “you will call me ‘my husband’; 

   you will no longer call me ‘my master..'

 I will betroth you to me forever; 

   I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, 

   in love and compassion. 

 I will betroth you in faithfulness, 

   and you will acknowledge the LORD"

the she is Israel but it is also me

i chased after my lovers

rather the things that i loved but did not love me back

urban outfitters is not in love with me..shocking i know

i stalked the things that i believe satisfied me

i pursued and i longed

but God blocked my path

He walled me in with dissatisfaction, discontent and heartbreak

so that i would go back to Him..

the lover of my heart

my lover, as in, lover of me

lover of me despite my adultery with the world

lover of me despite my attempt to cheat on him with the earthly

lover of me despite my naivety that something created could fill a crater made for the creator

i went after lovers and forgot about Him

so, He entices me to the wilderness

emotionally to a barren land

where i am alone

lets me sit and wail that i am alone

and He knows i am alone

everyone knows i am alone

i have been enticed here because He burned all my temporary bridges
and that is a blessing
He wants to build me one permanent bridge

i want to be here because those bridges led to hell

i am scared

i don't want to be alone..

so He gives me one option

He knows that i am indecisive, He made me that way

one option

Him

and then i realise, i'm not a slave to this

He isn't my ruler

he is my lover

to have and to hold

in sickness and in health

through better through worse

to love and to cherish untill....

the end of time

that changes the dynamic a bit

i no longer have to 

i want to 

i will happily spend time with the love of my life every day

my boss? not so much

i could read letters from Him all day long, 

read about His history, and His future and how He feels about me

i do not enjoy reports, hourly updates nor a biography of my boss

and He puts me in His heart forever

He commits to me passion, faithfulness, righteousness and compassion..

and He will make me acknowledge him

i am a-ok with that

read Hosea.

hurts like heaven

"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart… I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."


E.E.Cummings


i think i will always carry part of your heart with my heart
that is both a hard thing to accept and something that is perhaps said from a place of not being done with your heart
it does a funny thing to a person to say i love you and not hear it in return
and we both know that funny feeling like when someone pulls your seat away before you sit down
we have both done it to each other
i want to sit down with you
and talk and laugh
i would say i miss you but i have been missing you for 3 years so i'm not sure that i do any more, or maybe my missing you has become such a permanent part of my state that i don't even recognize it any more
and it was such a long time you were part of my life and suddenly you weren't but i know it wasn't sudden for you and that's not a nice thing to know
i also know God has a plan, and that is an altogether lovely thing to know 
a plan for you 
i pray you will live and dwell and flourish and grow in it

I was trying to describe you to someone

I said you are like breathing

You are like turning the light on when you’ve been sitting in the dark, and maybe you had gotten quite accustomed to the dark, you could see a little and you were comfortable there..but you turn the light on cause you cant find something and it makes your pupils contract and your temples squeeze your brain a bit and it takes a while to get used to it…but you do..and you wonder why you ever turned the light off in the first place..

But we always want the light off sometimes 

we don’t want to see

But your are the light on..you make us see the good, the bad and the ugly and the grace

you are finding me when I am feeling lost and tired and show me how much you love me and then you ask…’why are you lost and tired?’

you are like drinking a cold chocolate milkshake

you are like being in the Fermanagh countryside near my granda’s farm where theres this tiny house that he made on top of a small hill and I could have sat there for a long time and just listened to nothing..

you are like the sound of a piano

you’re my best friend

you make me want to smile at strangers

you are constant

you broke my heart and I couldn’t be more thankful, and people say ‘that’s a funny thing, to be glad of a broken heart’

but I say I am glad

a heart that is not broken is not necessarily a heart that is happy

you found me at the low times and sat with me there

at the bottom of the sea

and you didn’t make me move or try to fix me

you put your bum on the sand next to mine and sifted rocks through your fingers and met my eye and said ‘I know.’

You are like when you put your dinner in the microwave and leave your fork on by accident and its like a mini lightning

You make me terrified of the future and then sternly tell me that it isn’t up to me so I can be terrified if I want but it wont do anyone any good and actually it will probably do me harm because how can I possibly enjoy what you have for my life if I’m scared.

You are that thing that I want sometimes more than anything in the world..and when there are things that I want more than you, I want to want you more

I know that I need you more than I need to be popular and when I forget you remind me

you are endless

you are like fallin in love with someone who you know will control and dictate the rest of your life and you know that’s completely ok even though your best friend wont like it and its that sickening relationship that you don’t want to do anything unless the other person wants to

I would say you are like getting up super early to watch the sunrise but that’s such a cliché and everyone says it

But you are though…like watching a sunrise super early

And sunset too

And watching the stars but that’s defiantly a cliché…

Its just that there are so many of them and its pretty hard not to look at the stars and marvel at how entirely vast you are and then feel entirely humbled that you chose me

Your like having a plan for after you die

Your secure like a vault at the Bellagio..only George Clooney and Brad Pitt couldn’t even break into cause your that secure

You are jealous

You are very good at making me miss you

You are like creativity

You are like this part at the end of Mulan, after she’s been found out in the army as a girl pretending to be a man and she should have been killed for her deception, but she saved the life of the generals son so he just leaves her in the mountain and cause she’s disgraced her family, she is outcast from society for bringing dishonour…but then she knows Shan Yu and the Huns are going to attack the Emporer so she tries to tell people but no one will listen to her, apart from her three friends…she kills Shan Yu with fireworks and in the end she has to stand in front of the Emperor and he starts to lecture her on the wrong things she has done, but then, the Emperor of China accepts her..and bows to Mulan..….you’re like that

i've been falling in love again and it is quite glorious

my flat mate knows when i am lacking Jesus...
tonight she told me i needed "bible time" cause i was being a winey bitch
Moses face shone after he had been in the presence of God
Exodus34v45..."they saw that his face was radient"
same goes for us
i mean if my face is shining please let me know, it probably means i put on too much moisturizer
but i want to be a little light in this world that grows steadily darker with each policy and law
and i will not be much of a light when i complain that my feet are cold but won't go and put my slippers on
go put your slippers on
and spend some time with Jesus
don't care that you're not in the mood
then pass it on
look another human being in the eye because they deserve it
have some "bible time" and cheer up!

a series of unfortunate events

here's what i'm scared of
that i'll turn up and you won't be there
or you'll be late and i'll have to sit by myself
that no one will speak to me
that i won't be wearing the right thing
that i have food in my teeth
that you'll be nice to my face but next week i'll hear that you've said something different
that i'll make a mistake
that you won't believe my side of the story
sometimes i'm scared that it'll rain while i'm walking there
why?
cause it's happened
i am sure that everyone has had a bad experience in church
hands up?
yea thought so..
so here is what i would rather do
not go
judge you first
stamp F.U on my forehead
why?
cause i do not want to be hurt
i don't want to be stood up
i do not want to make an effort to have it thrown in my face
i don't want to get wet
so who looses out?
me
i thought i could do it by myself
because if i have to do it with people, i am going to be disappointed
a brilliant person i once knew, said i was a passionate girl
but this meant a girl of extremes
if you are my friend i trust you
i hold you closely to my heart
so if you hurt me
it freaking hurts
but i will forgive.....eventually
and when i do its really done
but the trust is maybe a little broken
and this has happened over and over and over
so i am left, not having a great view of people
in particular, christians
but now i am trying to change that
God told me i had to trust him and trust his people
so i did
and i have been blessed ABUNDANTLY
so i challenged myself
and realized i was wrong
and then i realized i was even wronger
my preconceptions are not an excuse
and if i would learn to love God first then people
i wouldn't be in this position
you have to love God first
so you can love people with his love
not your love
cause its crappy
sorry, but it is
its easily offended and its weak
it doesn't understand and it has mood swings
Gods love is constant
unfaltering and fair
passionate and deserving
love God then love people

God first.....always

mercy

i hear the Saviour say 'thy strength indeed is small'
child of weakness watch and pray
find in me thine all in all


Jesus paid it all
all to him i owe
my sin had left a crimson stain 
he washed it white as snow


oh now indeed i find
thy power and thine alone
can change the lepers spots
and melt this heart of stone


Jesus paid it all
all to him i owe
my sin had left a crimson stain
he washed it white as snow


and when before the throne
i stand in him complete
jesus died my soul to save
my lips shall still repeat


jesus paid it all
all to him i owe
my sin had left a crimson stain
he washed it white as snow


oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead




mercy - 
1. Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm

2. An event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering

i do not have to beg for mercy

it is mine

graciously mine

sleeping pills

hi..its been a while
i went on holiday, stayed with my dad in London, moved back to Leeds, partied, crashed
and here i am

September was an interesting month
i became shamelessly addicted to myself
i have exhausted myself by trying to fight against God
i am angry all over again
i i i
hahaha doesn't ever change with me does it?
but I'm trying to get back to where i was
trying
straining
purposefully walking into love
finding purpose
psalm 62
God ALONE is my salvation
and alone is my fortress
heaven is my home
my heart hurts and my shoulders are heavy
but my king wants to spend some time with me
he is my rest
asda sleeping pills help me sleep
but when i wake up i am still knackered
because what i am fighting is not physical
and some days i lose the fight
but Jesus doesn't lose the war
I've read the last chapter
i know how the story ends
i get prince charming and we live happily ever after
at the minute I'm faced with the ugly step sisters
self and sin
bitches.
self and sin don't win in the fairy tale
clothes
money
boys
popularity
all lose
all the world holds dear
i count it as loss

"though i have fallen i will rise
though i sit in darkness the Lord is my light"
micah7v8-9

"then Jesus took her by the hand and said 'talitha koum' (which means 'little girl get up' in Aramaic..)"
mark5v41

GET UP