i need You more in my head and in my heart
i need more Jesus in my thoughts and my actions
i need you
as in, without you, its nothing..
i need you

Christmas is great
but the day after when you realise that you are no happier despite all of the stuff
is a brilliant reminder that stuff is not satisfying

celebrities cherish the mundane
because they have so much more and know that it doesn't make them happier

there is a striving in your heart for eternity
that will not be filled by stuff that will rot and decay,

we clutter our lives
we don't know what it is to rely on God
he has not saved us from anything so we don't know him as our SAVE-iour
we don't appreciate and we can exist by doing things ourselves
but to live like we are alive in Christ, to know joy and peace we must be broken
a heart or a life that has not been broken is useless
because it will still be ruled by selfish emotions and motives
it has not been shown how sinful and how flawed it is
it has not been made aware that it cannot go on independently

do you have any idea how blessed you are?

pray for change
pray for our leaders and our government
pray for the hearts to be broken of those who can do something

i'm not sure that its healthy, as a christian, to only have christian friends

where is your fruit?

where are the relationships in which you have to live in love and point to Christ?

why are there no "non-christians" at your events?

and why, if they do come..do they feel uncomfortable?

why are they stared at?

how come we don't know how to talk to them?

we either force God down their throat or we don't mention it at all.....

why is there no middle ground?

why isn't it blatantly obvious who you love and what you live for?

where is your witness?

how come your life isn't evangelical?

how come your willing to let these people go to hell?

why don't we want to plant seeds in peoples hearts?

if we could be remembered as a friendly face an open arms with a obvious peace and prayerful attitude that when life was rough, we were a picture of the sturdiness of Christ to those who don't know him?

choose to be joyful

sticky wall

you know at the fairground, the sticky wall
you all stand round the inside of a big metal circle..and its starts to spin
its spins so fast the the floor moves away but you don't move
your stuck by the centrifugal force or something
thats like me to Jesus right now
i'm stuck to him,
no matter how fast everything spins
and even if the floor falls away
his love holds me fast to him
i'm helpless to it

the worry the fear the doubt the dread the debt the deadlines the bills the rent the appointments made and appointments missed the weight the hope the dreams the aspirations the desires the plans the future the past the hurt the pain the broken hearts and broken minds the lost and the losing the down and outs the system the trapped the mute the silenced the ones who have screamed till their voice is hoarse the babies the old the path we're headed down the problem the search the pressure the cure the fix the fury the unbelief the missed the missing the need the helpless the girl the boy the grief the power and the lack of the wretched the cast out the tomorrow the next generation the relationship the image the self the job or the lack of the price the jealousy the situation the anger

let it go
it isn't about you
every season every place physical or mental you find yourself is about the glory of God
you aren't in control

Job 38

give it up

solidarity
1cornth10v23
"if one part suffers...every part suffers with it...if one part is honoured all the parts are glad..."
i hate not being able to help
but i promise i will stand with you, shoulder to shoulder, knees bent in prayer with you
i will talk to the King about it
i will laugh with you
i will praise with you
we boast in Christ and i boast with you
its about Him not us
always

you spoke and it was
at one point it wasn't and then..you spoke it..and it was
you created
you created the tools to create
you work in atoms and in mountain ranges
creating sunsets and souls
spinning tales of relationships and family
and you intervened
a flood and a cross
blood spilled
you loved
and you smile with me

to be alone with you

its been a really hectic couple of days, hence the lack of blogs..
but tonight i'm home alone, on the sofa with my duvet, a huge mug of tea and some chocolate..my essays are done and i'm off tomorrow and on friday i fly home and get to see my mum.
im warm and comfy and i was watching the xfactor final but i've just turned it off,
because i realised in these past couple of days, when i've been tired and burned out, ill and stressed..i haven't spent half as much time with my Saviour as i should have done..
and it hasn't been good
i will always struggle with people, but i struggle alot more when i'm tired
and last night i felt like there was a distance between me and God;
even though i know he never leaves me
last night when i was having some prayer time, it didn't feel like he was there..
i didn't like it
i was praying but it felt like i may as well have been talking to my pillow
so i got a bit cheeky; i said to God, like Jacob in Genesis 32
i won't leave this place untill you bless me..
and God revealed something to me,
i had put something above him in my heart and that was why it felt different..
i had let a seed of bitterness take root; when i was tired and agitated, i was more hurt by something that i should have been..and rather than forgive it and move on..i fed it with venomous thoughts and angry words and let it grow.
i put my own hurt feelings above God
it put a wall between me and Jesus
we have to really ask God to search our hearts and show us sin that we don't realise
it's hard dealing with our faults but we need to
we have to apologise and we have to ask for forgiveness
i am so amazed by grace when God shows me the dark crevices of my heart and loves me through it
Jill tweeted the other day 'Jesus is my best friend'
and its as simple as that..
i don't want anything to come between us
and tonight as i'm cuddled up on the sofa..it's him i want to spend time with
i'm not sure what the point of this blog really is..
but i know sometimes God does feel distant and you can't work out why
ask him to show you
ask him to call your heart to him
ask him to give you a desire to spend time with him
live in grace and not condemnation
be a cheerleader
love

prayer is a privilege
i think because we talk about it so much it has become normalised
but it isn't normal 
it is precious 
and i think if we viewed it as something that we should be honoured to do, 
to talk to God, tell him about our day, thank him, give our troubles to him
despite how infinitely holy he is, he still desires direct contact from us
if we realised how absolutely hallowed it was
we would treasure it..
if we could change our attitude that it is something that as a christian we have to do,
to one of cherishing time with our creator
it would be alot easier to make time for it


Matthew6v14
"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do"


woah.

on tuesdays sometimes when your shoulders ache from the weight of the world,
your heart hurts for the people you miss,
your head beats a tattoo of to do lists into your temples
you feel like you have mould growing in your lungs
and you wana sleep until march 7th
God is, in a very real way..your comfort




Isaiah12v1

"And you will say in that day, "I thank you, God. You were angry but your anger wasn't forever. You withdrew your anger and moved in and comforted me..."

you're delivered

"you were bought at a price; do not become slaves to men.."
1Corinth7v23
rather become a slave by God
be dominated by his love
be controlled by his sacrifice for you
be under the authority of his word
submit to his will
be identified by his ownership of you
be aware that you are his possession
fall in love with his supremacy
serve his grace
be a captive of his joy
be a victim of his mercy
be in debt to him
be a prisoner of his plan
toil for his hope
ask for his permission
be reliant on him for everything
be a representative of his family
you are conscripted into his army
forced to spend time with him
persist for his name
a hostage to heaven
dependant on his peace
ruled by the call to share him
because he paid for you

In the old testament they had to make loads of different kind of offerings,

but started reading in Leviticus today about peace offerings

Jesus wasn't only the offering for our sin, but for our peace as well

it is now readily available.

it does not lie on our shoulders, nor at the end of our fingertips because it has nothing to do with us,

the peace is found only in him, 

nothing or no one else would sacrifice themselves for your peice of mind, for that calm, so don't expect to find it in anything or anyone

and flip me it is easy to be in love with someone who died for you

and Jesus took her by the hand and said "little girl, get up..

brush yourself off, and keep on keeping on

i promise to hold your hand every step of the way

i promise to pick you up each time you fall down

at 2am when you can't sleep i will be there because you are mine

sometimes i will pull you up my the shoulders, because you enjoy wallowing in misery a little too much..

you sinned but i paid for it so move on.

sometimes i will drag you forward by the wrist, away from the past..despite how much you like it here i have better things

sometimes i will stand in between you and what you want and i will ask you to trust me

and sometimes i will put my bum in the dirt beside you to try and help you see why we are staying in this season for a while, to show you the things i am trying to teach you, to open your eyes to the purpose around you

i will slow your racing heart and calm your violent thoughts with the love that i have for you
i will hide you and you will be safe because i am far mightier than the things you dread

and when you sleep i rejoice over you with singing.."

it isn't impossible to love everyone
even that person that just rubs you up the wrong way and even when they open their mouth you just wana smack them
if you see them at their most vulnerable, if you could see their dreams inside their head or if you knew the one sentence that they pray over and over again because they want it so bad
if you saw them have an awkward exchange with a stranger
if you could see the cracks in their heart
if you asked God to help you
if he opened your eyes to their insecurities and got over your own pre-conceptions and previous hurts
if you spent some time alone with them and if you could be honest and tell them to put the act away,
then i think you could love anyone

joy is your best friend bringing you home Reeses Peices from the only shop in leeds that sells them
joy is chai tea when its raining outside
your mum putting you on loudspeaker to talk to the dog
listening to music on your ipod while walking somewhere
singing the both parts of the elephant love medly all the way home for your flatmate
reading a verse that is so relevant it freaks you out
knowing someone is thinking about you
waking up to a warm house and pyjama's on the radiator for when you get out of the shower at night
when something clicks and you are so aware that God has a plan
not being afraid

be joyful
i spent time with people today who literally have nothing
lads who will spend christmas in prison
teenage mums with zero support
the homeless
i was humbled
i was embarrassed that i moan when my house is cold.
be joyful because you are blessed abundantly
aside from the fact you have a father in heaven that loves you beyond anything that you deserve or could earn, you are reading this on the internet, on a electronic device that makes you one of the highly advantaged in the world.

i am so blessed
i have amazing friends and an amazing relationship
i have everything my heart could ever want and more
i am loved and cherished and have the opportunity to love others

sometimes i could just cry with how spoilt i am in Jesus

to make a muscle stronger it must be exercised.
i asked God to grow in me peace
so he shook my world up and then whispered '...but i am here, find peace in me'
i asked God to teach me joy
so he made me want to cry and smiled '...i am with you, find joy in me'
i asked God to show me grace
so he brought me the person who hurts me continually and told me '....they are mine, love them like i do'
i asked God to take my whole heart
so he broke it and cried with me '....i will put it back together in a way in which i am first'
i asked God to make me strong
so he gave me more than i thought i could handle and commanded '...i am your strength'
i asked God to help me to make time for him
so he filled my diary and questioned '...am i worth it?'
i asked God to give me an obedient spirit
so he requested at little more than i was willing to give and demanded '...obey'


when you ask something of God, he will put in positions in which your human nature wants the exact opposite of what you asked for..so that the muscle is stretched and is forced to grow stronger.

1Corinth7v29-31
"what i mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they have none; those who who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed by them..For this world in its present form is passing away.."

i have an urgency
i cannot believe tomorrow is the 1st of December 2011..
my life is so short and i do not want to waste it with things that are not what God has planned for me

breaking heart

today we had two really hard lectures in uni
the first one was about sexual violence and honour crimes
and the second about famine, poverty and aid..
its hard to trust God when there is so much horrific suffering in the world
today God really broke my heart for young people and young women who suffer so much at the hands of those who are supposed to love and cherish them
of course there is my human nature that wants to blame God for this,
to be angry at him
but i know that i can't
i trust God, and trust that he has a plan
he see's the big picture and i am sure there is a purpose for this
i was reminded of the power of prayer, the importance of tithing not just to my church but to charities that i trust will make a difference and i was also reminded of Daniel 4v35
"No one can hold back his hand, or say to him; 'What have you done?'"

i believe God loves passionately
i believe he is a wrathful God
i believe he is just
i believe that my cries are heard by him
i believe he has a plan that is about his glory
i believe we have free will
sometimes these things don't add up in my tiny little finite brain

if you really want something
you will get it
you won't make excuses
you won't sit and watch tv for 3 hours...
it isn't about saying 'Jesus i want all of you'
and not spending time with him
in fact putting other things first, spending time with people instead
this says, i want people to think that i want it, but i don't
God is not fooled by my empty words
or, i'm trying to move on..
but then spending time with the person or thing..
continually allowing it purchase in your heart
God says, 'i want all of you'
and he takes it,
"i love you forever,
Saviour take all of me"
i have never be so convicted of my laziness, selfishness and pride
i have never struggled so much
but i have never been as joyful
if you really want something
you will get it
go get it.

so instead of asking God to be part of your day/week/life/future
why not ask God if you can be part of what he has planned
his plans are much better.

so here's the story..
i wrote a post this morning about how destructive it is when we talk about each other
i was hurt and angry when i wrote so i withdrew it, with the aim to re-post it if i still felt the same tonight..
i am not angry and a little less hurt
its is extremely hard to find joy when things seem to be going wrong
it is extremely hard not to focus on these things, to want revenge and to want the world to know what has been done to you
i spent the day doing uni work and having a wee cry to Jesus
and he reminded me of a song that i have quoted more than once on this blog
"turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face and the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of his beauty and grace.."
i love this song alot but i couldn't do it..i couldn't focus on Jesus, i couldn't pray all i could do was talk about myself and why i was upset
maybe its a girl thing but my mind was going round and round
i messaged few people who i trust and love and asked them to pray
and they must have done because something clicked..
i don't have a miraculous answer as to how i was able to be content despite being hurt
but i know that all i had to do was look back over my life and at all the times i thought i had lost everything
and how each one of those times something greater came of it
things are hard and people are hurtful
but i still have God..
i was able to see the footprints
i realised that he knows
and i remembered that he has a plan
a plan that i am not the centre of

prayer

only gonna be a short one today cause i am a tired goose
but just wanted to share what God has been teaching me about prayer
i am finding it a huge encouragement to myself when i can sit down and spend some time praying for other people
i have to do it with a pen and paper or my mind gets totally distracted
and when danielle is out i love putting music on loud and just really crying out to God for people
i am so thankful for every person in my life
i love knowing about their lives and being able to go to God on behalf of them
whether i'm worried or grateful i am learning to give it all to him, because often i can't do much for your circumstances but i can pray, so i will
recently everyone seems to be a little weary, a little worn out, a little stressed and a little overwhelmed
and to be able to tell someone that you are fighting for them, praying over their heart and life to a God who genuinely cares and has the power to do something about it is awesome
send someone a text that you've been praying for and let them know what specifically you've been taking to God about for them
or text someone and let them know what's going on and what you need prayer for
this is biblical community

happy thanksgiving

Christians who complain alot, including myself

dislike

be thankful that you have a job instead of complaining about having to work, God has blessed you with it and the opportunity to earn money.

And if you hate it that much, quit.

be grateful that you can go to university, that you have a brain that can be filled with knowledge

appreciate that God has put challenging people in your life to help you grow. 

If they hurt you, express it, forgive them and move on

be content when you don't have alot of money that you do not live in poverty and are not controlled by the lust of possessions

be comfortable at nights in alone because God is calling to your heart to spend some time with him.

gurn up.

what is attractive about Christianity when you take for granted all of the blessings in your life?

it is ok to be upset sometimes, but perhaps if you spent some time being thankful for the place God has you and the people you could reach you would not be so focused on yourself.

Paul, in prison, in chains, persecuted said "i know what it is to be in need and i know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.." phil4v12-13

 

you can learn to be content with the 6am start, on your feet all day, mentally exhausting, nights in alone through Christ who will strengthen you in joy if you let him.

it ain't mine anyway

so today i've really been challenged about money
as a student, i don't have alot of money and today i've had a little stress out about rent and bills and i want to go to America for a while and i want to buy a house in the not so distant future...
in my church they always say
you are blessed to be a blessing..
and i do agree with that but i live on a budget and i just sometimes think i can't afford to give even though i know its biblical.
and as i was praying through this God brought some thoughts to my mind,
the money that i have, is not mine..
well actually its the governments cause its a student loan,
but what i mean is it's Gods..he has blessed me with it
and when i refuse to give because i don't trust him to look after me that isn't ok!
he is worth all of my money
i want to believe that if i gave every penny that i owned to my church that God would not let me go without
now as much as i would like to do that, i don't think God wants us to be silly with our money
but, if he asked i hope that i would have the faith to do it

2 Corinth8v7
"But just as you excel in everything else - in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for each other - see that you also excel in this grace of giving.."

it is the grace of God that allows us to contribute to his kingdom,
do not think that you can substitute time for money
doesn't work that way i am afraid...
the widow gave all that she had.

as if God needs our money?
do you not think he could provide plentifully for every person if he wanted to?
he could,
but he doesn't because he desires to teach us how unimportant money is,
and that if we worry about it, we become a slave to it
he wants us to build a biblical community where money is not an issue,
so that we freely help eachother out without the fear of having to go without ourselves,

i am thankful that not only am i allowed to bless my church,
but also, God will provide for me cause i am more important that birds in the field!

day 2

sometimes i literally shock my self at how sinful i am
a thought runs through my head and i just say it out loud
and immediately my conscience screams 'WHAT!'
i think we get a little arrogant as christians
we never say it out loud
but over time, we ask for forgiveness less and less
i am so lazy, and proud and selfish
i lie and i don't want to give up my popularity, what little of it there is left
this week i've asked God to remind me how fallen i am, and to do it gently
but also of how holy he is
he has
and it has been rough
i just think, how can a God, so infinitely perfect, so holy and so clean love me?
i have such a bad attitude, if someone doesn't do something my way they are wrong.
i know what i want and i want it now
i am scared to tell people i love Jesus
how dare i?!who do i think i am?!
i am craving a heart of humility and obedience
the more i am aware of how sinful i am the more i realise how incredibly precious Jesus death was, and how exceptional God's love is
and that, is causing me to love him more
the relationship that i have with God is so valuable because i am his beloved and i do not deserve it, even in my best moments, even the good i think i do..it is filthy rags
the love i have i do not deserve
how could i not love back with the tiny broken heart i have?
how could i not give my life, my dreams and my plans to someone who loves me in this state?

thankful

Diet Jesus

gonna try doing a blog a day for a bit..


so i have some Muslim mates at uni,
and we have some pretty interesting conversations as you can imagine..
and they can't get there head around Jesus' sacrifice..
they don't believe that God could sacrifice his son..especially the lads.
and i don't really get it either..
it doesn't make sense,
but i know it in my heart like the way i know in my head what i look like
i just know.
and it isn't my place to make it socially acceptable or politically correct
which also sucks cause some of my friends are gay..
and i love them, and they want me to fight with them for gay marriage rights..and i can't.
that really breaks my heart.
but i cannot take Christ and give him the morals or characteristics of a 21st Century human being
i cannot put Jesus on a diet so people will like him.
hey look how much weight Jesus has lost?
when we do that, we take away the weight of the sins of the world,
the weight of the sacrifice
you cannot take away the need for wrath and the given grace
they are heavy
do not put Jesus on a diet
do not put make up on him, to make him pretty and desirable
because you will cover his scars
what he did for us does not make sense,
and it is a fearful thing to kneel in front of the ruler of the universe with my wretched nature
but let that fear bring you to awe and love
be aware of how utterly sinful you are
and the fact that he still loves you.
why are we surprised when we tell people about God in our terms and they don't want to believe in him?
why are you surprised that people don't want to worship a God that you have turned into a care bear, that is all love peace hope joy and rainbows
and yes he is those things
but he is mighty
and he is full of wrath and jealousy
and people need to know that he wants them
Jesus doesn't tap people on the shoulder and whisper...'oh hey..sometime maybe, if you wana confess your sins, and stop bitching and drinking, you know, that'd be cool...'
no way.
he grabs them by the heart and soul and bellows
'You are sinful, the things you try to do for good are disgusting dirty rags, i hate sin and i hate lies and i hate greed..but i want you.ALL of you..not just sunday you..all. and i am worthy..and i demand obedience...and i love you.'

makes no sense.
but i know it.
and when i tell people about him
i have to tell all of it
there is hell and there is heaven and you have to choose.
its not nice,
but who wants nice?
there is no nice in love
there is only raw passion desire and a man hung on a tree

"Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom..

but we preach Christ crucified: 

a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles.."

1Corinth1v22-23

meet my eye

your eyes are the colour of hope

i find it so hard to lift my head somedays 

i feel defeated by all the wrong i do, by how lazy i am

i want to sleep from 3pm unitll its all ok again

but you always find me

and tilt my head up

and force me to look in your eyes

a sunset or a verse or a text 

you manage to force me to focus on you

and you remind me that you are greater

neverending

the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am  the more i fall in love with how perfect he is  the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more  i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in  love with how perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect  he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is  the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how  perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love  with how perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how  perfect he is the more i realise  how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more  i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love  with how perfect he  is the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is  the more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with  how perfect he is the more i realise how  sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the  more i realise how sinful i am the more i fall in love with how perfect he is the more  i realise how sinful i am

kindly please get over yourself

so Matt Chandler uses this illustration when talking about how self focused we are..
a cat is fed, watered, walked and given affection and attention by its owner, 
and so thinks 'i am god'
a dog is fed, watered, walked and given affection and attention by its owner, 
and so it thinks 'my owner is god'


but it sent my mind off on a tangent
sometimes i think we have the mindset of a cat
but we are so far from the truth
our lives are not about us
the good things in my life are not about me
the bad things that happen are not about me
your job is not about you
where you live is not about you
your relationships are not about you
your free time is not about you
your church is not about you
you are not about you
you are to give glory to God
to point to him with hands raised in praise
that.is.all.
and we all will say this with our mouths
"i am not the centre of the universe..my life is about God, about glorifying him"
but our actions scream 
"IT IS ALL ABOUT ME"
if you truly believe your life was about God
if you knew that you exist to bring glory to God
would you talk about people when they are not there?
how does God get the glory here?
is this about God or you?
does this cause the world to see eternity in your heart?
NO
would you refuse to face the problems?
would you lie?
would you complain?
would you put anything else above him?
would you be jealous?
would you feel crushed?
would you flirt?
would you hoarde your money?
would you not speak to people?
cause we don't say it out right, we just get annoyed when people don't put us first!
you would only build up and encourage
you would admit and talk through issues
you would rejoice no matter what
you would put God first in EVERYTHING
you would be happy for eachother
you would know your hope is in him
you would build each other up in brotherly/sisterly love
you would give freely
you would love everyone


everything.
from the city that you live it to the clothes on your back,
the thoughts in your head and the food in your tummy
are about giving the glory to God
the things you are blessed with, clothes, friendship, a job..are great and they give us joy but it doesn't stop there.
they are a means to an end
he blesses us so we praise him
so praise him
the hurt, the illness, the broken heart, the weakness...
are hard and i am not belittling that
but they are they to show the world that God comes first 
and even in these situations we praise and we say thank you


so kindly please get over yourself.
it isn't about you and it never will be
life is alot simpler when it is about God
i find my cares to be very much shrunken when the creator of all things and the human man dead on a cross for me are placed smack bang in the middle


"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God"
1Corinth10v31

yes

finally learning that only God satisfies..

i have tried most other things

i won't like, they are pretty crappy

they get awfully boring after a while

but this?

is new every morning

makes my cheeks hurt with joy

brings me dancing in church

and peaceful sleep at night

it makes absolutely no sense

but i have fallen in love

i am intoxicated with Christ and his sacrifice for my heart

it isn't easy

but we so easily make sacrifices and compromises for other relationships, for jobs and oppurtunities

so try defend why you won't sacrifice that for saving grace?

so i've had a pretty bumpy couple of weeks,
but today i had a meeting at church about placement
i had a little glimpse of the plan that God has for me
in the midst of all my stressing He reminds me
'i got this..'


i am so in awe of how infinately good my God is

i love you with all of my aortic pump

if dependence is the objective, weakness is an advantage
Thank Goodness.
I am so weak
in morals
in mind
in discipline
I am learning, that an extra half an hour sleep in the morning won't help
half an hour spent with God, first thing in the morning, will keep me in awe of him all day, and that will make all the difference
and i know this
but when my alarm goes off in the morning i still want to snooze!
i am weak
i am learning that i need that God time in the morning, and so if i still want to sleep as long as possible it means getting my bag ready for uni the night before, it means setting a violent alarm on my phone and leaving my phone on the other side of the room so i HAVE to get out of bed to turn it off..
i cannot sacrifice God time for sleep
discipline
disciple
thank goodness for grace
thank goodness i cannot do this by myself
i am thankful and i am blessed that God tests my heart and pushes me
so that i have no choice but to let him in
people say religion is a crutch
perhaps
but i think the situation is much much worse than a broken limb..
i need a stretcher and a full body cast
cause i CAN'T do it alone
and i don't want to
God breaks every bone in me
pride, deceit, bad attitude, greed, lust, laziness
and i am thankful
a crutch implies that Christian's are weak..
oh you are so wrong
we are ALL weak
Christians merely put earthly things into an eternity perspective and fall to our knees admitting to the world and to ourselves that we are so weak and so wicked and that we need help

so religion is not just a crutch, nor is this religion
its discipleship right from the maker
it requires discipline
counting to 3 then jumping out of bed
it requires weakness

"Imagine a future moment in your life, 

where all your dreams come true. 

You know it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person.

Who's standing next to you...?"

don't be suprised

do not think that you are getting away with idolatry

if there is something that you love more than him he will expose it in your heart

passive wrath

he will take it away

and while you are lying on the floor bawling your eyes out and you notice that you really should hoover your carpet

he is wooing you

he has taken away what you were standing on because it is not sturdy, it is not without fault and the world will tell you you need a new better one in a week

he has taken it away because he wants you to have him as a firm foundation

that will not rot

is not based on emotion

cannot be bought or sold

demands obedience and respect

is not an empty word nor selfish action

but a life altering, axis spinning statement

i will love you.

drinking from the wrong well

John 4..
the woman at the well..
if you are drinking from the wrong well, you will not be satisfied
if you are drinking from money and comfort you will constantly be wanting,
if you try to stave off your thirst for life and purpose with things to make your life better you will be insatiable
God uses two examples..
Solomon - had it all....and declared it nothing over and over in the book of Ecclesiastes..
Job - had it all taken away and even in that place of deprivation and on his knees with not even his health to boast in he was able to worship God.

if you are drinking from relationship
if you are trying to find you worth in the people around you
be prepared to be constantly disappointed
people are flaky, emotional, and irrational..same as you, same as me
there is only one relationship that will never change, it will be steady and unchanging no matter how rough the storm nor how small the raft

if you are drinking from respect and power
if you place your identity in what people think about you
if you live for facebook comments and text messages, pats on the back and kind words
you will be a door mat and a people pleaser with opinions like a chameleon
not everyone will like you
how weak and watered down does 'i love you' from a mouth that in the next breath could curse you behind your back compared to the agonizing sacrifice of a father of his son for your heart

drink from the well that satisfies
Jesus
find your identity and security here
and let it bring you to a place of worship
so that when you stand in the crowd and sing a song you are in amazement
every word sung in the knowledge that you are in the presence of the king
grateful for every bit of a meal not matter how much nor how little food is in the fridge
blessed by every friendship and thankful for it

your love is better than life itself

i love train/bus stations and airports
i travel quite alot back and forth to uni and to different cities visiting friends
this involves spending time waiting around and people watching
there is something so sweet about two people meeting after they have been separated
you don't know how long for but one has just got off the train/bus/plane and the other couldn't be happier about it
it's so beautiful to see the love in the relationship
its almost too intimate to watch but yet i always do
and it always makes me smile
this is how i feel after a long day and spending time alone with Jesus
like thank goodness you're here
he puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a squeeze
and this is were i belong
i am safe here nestled under his shoulder
i have confidence in him
my identity in him is much more secure when i walk every day with him
but the world is there and they bang into us and sometimes we get separated
however he won't let me wander alone for long
his fingertips always find mine
i think sometimes he lets me walk alone just so i remember how grey and sharp the world is without it's maker to show me the beauty and the guidelines
and when i get to spend time alone with him, it is a blessing
i cherish these times when i read and pray and sing and cry because sometimes i have no other way of showing the emotion and he shows me more of him
how he loves me
and how vast and majestic and raw the Father is
lion of Judah
and i find that when i am aware of his presence, and work to stay in it, talking about him and all the glorious things he has done in my life comes very naturally because we love talking about what we love
its what is in our brain among our thoughts and on our hearts

"therefore Jesus told his diciples 'do not worry about your life or what you eat or what you wear. Life is more than food and the body more than clothes,

Consider the ravens, they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them. How much more valuable you are than birds!

Who of you can add a single hour to your life, if you can not do this little thing, why do you worry about the rest?'

Luke12v22

i am so bad at keeping how i feel hidden
sometimes i feel its going to bubble over
like my ribcage can't contain it
trying to live in grace is really hard
waking every morning and wiping all the slates clean
i have had to remove 'not this again' from my vocabulary
and its hard because that person has hurt you
its hard because we don't to let that anger go
they have damaged something and its not easy to let that go
you may feel angry or rejected or sad
but when you peel that emotion back,
when you peel off the plaster you will find a wound
and it stings like hell exposing that cut
makes you suck your breath in quickly between clenched teeth
but you have to
it won't heal in the dark
and more often than not, the person that grazed you won't be able to heal it
no matter how much you want them to fix it
and you want them to know the depth and breadth of the pain
they can't and won't help
i have the urge to raise my voice and swear and gesticulate with my hands at you
but you would do yourself alot of favours darling if you realised the world is not against you
so we remove the bandages and stand bare
infront of the person who knows what it is like to be pierced
we have to let him take the fury and the rejection and melancholy and replace it with love and grace and peace
the scars in your psyche, in your trust, in your relationship and in your memory are not there to remind you of the hurt, but to remind you that the bloody graze that stung with tears and oozed with malice has been replaced with a snow white scar, washed clean, pure and closed..
so when you feel like dragging up the past, it isnt there...and if the wound is re-opened it'll leave a bigger scar this time when its healed
so i have to live in a place of grace and scars
when God looks at us he does not see a great bloody mess but rather pure white because of someone else's scars
and we should look the same at the people who have hurt us
and be thankful that those we have hurt return the favour

joy

it's been a weird week..
had a three way skype with Jill and Jude on Wednesday which was lovely but it went down hill from there.
felt so overwhelmed by uni work, the pressure of this year and just had a head full of regrets and fury
was in a place that i hadn't been since i failed my year 11 chemistry mock.
God brought me to my knees and made me realise that i am the biggest threat to my own joy
when i try to walk in my own selfish way, try to control and manipulate, i will flail and srtuggle
i had to give it all up all over again
and it is so painful and so against our human nature to submit our lives
but we have to
cause my treasure is in heaven
i am here for the glory of God and nothing else
no degree can even make a dent in my identity as a daughter of the king..
i need to remember, and work daily on making my priority Jesus
the temporary cannot affect the eternal

"...Denying oneself means denying one's rights:to self-fulfillment to job satisfaction to health to a husband or wife to choosing my lifestyle.."

turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his beauty and grace

finding joy in not being in control

think our postman is scared of me

i love getting things in the post,
just received a package from jill with letters from people i miss alot in America..
with verses and prayers and an attempt to marry me off so i can have American citizinship, Shelly Troyer!
an aid package for my soul

so blessed and so encouraged
and so in love with a God that has people fighting for my heart halfway across the world

rush

these days feels like my life is on fast forward
in week 6 of uni already
there's talk of graduation and careers
and i always rush into prayer
dearGodpleasejustgivemepeacetodaycauseiknowiamgoingtostrugglethankyouforhelpingmegetupthismorningandthankyouforgrace
then when i stop to catch a breath for the next hasty demand
i breathe out
as God says, hi...pause
He reminds me to take some time and focus my mind and my heart
to realign my priorities
and to fall in love, each morning
and more and more every time i spend time with him
and to remember that i am here to worship him

"..i like your Christ, i do not like your Christians
your Christians are so unlike your Christ..."
read this quote by Ghandi at the weekend, Ricky Gervais wrote about it of all people,
but it has been challenging me alot
mostly because i agree with it
for myself and others
i want to be like Christ

some photos from my life

 cupcakes for P

halloween pumpkins 

upstairs in our house, Nana's teaset, cupcakes, fairy lights, pumpkins  

York Minster 

Benjamin Francis Leftwich 

HIYA

more baking.....

had an amazing weekend in York with Kat..had dinner with her and her friends, went to see Benjamin Francis Leftwich in a church which was just lovely and then on Sunday we went and had a walk round York, bought some fudge and then went to the Minster, which i think is kinda like a Cathedral?any way it was amazing..so huge and i was just so in awe of the majesty of God in there..we went and prayed and read the bible with each other for a while..whenever i see Kat it is always good for my soul because God is just the reason why we are friends, and i love it.
Then we went to church with Tim and his friend and was just so lovely to be welcomed in and feel part of it..really enjoyed the church as its just about God, no fuss or pantomime..you can't beat just focusing on God..
here are some things i learnt in York

1. God must come first or it'll be a massive fail
2. God gave us lots of good things, people, food, music so that we would enjoy them but also so that they would bring him glory..we should be thankful for food, and point to God in our relationships and worship with music. it is not an end in itself, simply a means to worship the creator rather than the created.
3. I am very blessed because God is good.
4. God is with me always..
5. Peace and rest are readily available no matter what is going on around us, we just have to ask.
6. I want to live in York

nothing in this world can handle being first in our hearts
it wasn't meant to be that way,
people, relationships, clothes, job, music
will crash and burn if you put that pressure on them
God must come first
he wants the pressure of all of your life being lived through him
i have watched so many people, including myself
put people or jobs first
and created an identity around that
then it has given way
put God first and put him in the centre

when did we stop telling people how we feel?
thats what i wana know

i dont want to ever feel like i did that day

i am learning to hold on to joy
learning to find it in all situations
no matter how small or how big
as a christian, i am not immune to anger or sadness
but i have to keep them in perspective..
the earthly versus the eternal
and the eternal is what will always bring me joy
no matter how heavy the burden or how far the road
there is joy in knowing that i am not alone
and never will be
there is joy in the simple things,
like when i feel so buried under a mountain of work,
there is chocolate cake and a study break and some Jesus time
i am so blessed and i sometimes lose sight of that
i like the sad songs on the radio
and putting ps i love you on when i need a cry
and i do not ever want to feel the way i felt that day
but there is nothing better than laughing
and knowing that there is someone enjoying watching me laughing
joy

love letter two

hi,
come over here and sit with me..
i will teach your heart the song to sing when you can't find the words
i will put your foot one in front of the other when all you want is your bed

it's been one of those weeks huh?
i know..
when you grow older you will look back and remember this and think how strong it made you
you grow to be so strong
i can't wait to grow old with you
right now you can't see past this week, this year
but i am already there in next week and in next year and all of your years after that for all of eternity
and i will help you trust me

let it all out
tell me
i want to know more than anything.
don't be silly, it doesn't get boring for me
you can tell me over and over that your mad or hurt or happy
the thoughts don't stop in your head, i get that, i made you that way!
but it isn't good for you to go over these conversations and situations, both that have happened and that you want to happen
you humans have 20/20 hindsight
instead of thinking what you should have said, or what your going to
talk to me
you can't change what has been done so stop it!!
dwell in peace and not regret, i didn't give you a life for you to wish it away thinking about what could have been
let me talk to you about your future
i know you want to know it all now, haha you love to be in control
but tough! its not up to you!!
talk to me about you're future..
don't tell me what to do, cause i know you would!
i know it seems scary, but if you give your future to me, you don't have to be afraid of what's coming!
i can only do good for you
and as we grow together and you start to want what i want you'll see that
lets grow old together

all of the rest and peace is here, you just have to ask
it's yours
i am yours
and you are mine, even if you do fight me on it sometimes..

just sit with me, if you need to sleep, sleep.
I'll be here when you wake up
promise.

psalm62v8

'trust in him at all times, O people..
pour out your hearts to him
for God is our refuge...'


you better believe i'm pouring my heart out to him..
best listener i have ever known

in awe

watched a programme tonight called Frozen Planet...
in one part it shows a glacier that is 2 miles thick and moves 40 meters a day on Greenland.
this absolutely terrifies me
perhaps i have read one too many Dan Brown novels, but the huge destructive force of this sheet of ice genuinely scares me
and then i realise
the dreamer, builder and designer of it, holds me tightly in his hands
i do not need to be afraid

plans to give you a hope and a future

i love being part of a family in America
i feel so blessed after every skype with Tina, Jill and Ashley..
Satan tries to use fear to destroy and break down what God has intended for good
tonight i will go to bed happy knowing that God is blessing the people who i hold in my heart
my throat is sore from screaming and laughing with them
could not be more joyful right now :)

#family

sometimes i can't switch my brain off
my mind is playing static
young offenders
placement
money
work
research proposal
books
i feel exhausted and all i want to do is spend some time with my Jesus but i can't
there is a weight and a heaviness
i don't know what to say to the infinate
when i feel very very finite
very stressed and very rushed 
and all i want to do is sleep for a year and wake up and be done with third year
all i can do
is sit
and let my heart cry for Jesus
i can't do anything
but i am here
and i want to love you more
i need your peace
i need your love
you are my everything
take all of me

"Do you not know? 

Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, 

the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, 

and his understanding no one can fathom. 

He gives strength to the weary 

and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary, 

and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40v28-31

this was one of tina's grandfather's favourite verses 
we went to see him before he died and he was really sick
but he knew God's peace
it was evident on his face
he was confident that God was greater
i want to be too.
its my memory verse for the week

read this

http://formetoliveischristandtodieisgain.blogspot.com/

Bip McMullen
this is one of the most spiritually beautiful people i know, if that doesn't sound completely pretentious
my blog is called, i saw something beautiful today cause i see so many things that are beautiful and all it takes is for us to remove the covers of the world and open our hearts to God and we will be staggered by his creation.
I had a moment last year when this girl was a friend to me..and opened her heart with such passion and honesty that it burned me and i went home and spoke to my God and said, i saw something beautiful today, i saw your daughter and i couldn't be happier that she's doing a blog to share her thoughts because God has given her some quite marvellous ones
(and she is actually beautiful and Courtney liked it so went and put a ring on it..)

open your eyes something beautiful is happening

went to see Charlie Simpson last night..was just lovely..
in the next month i have lots of gigs to go to..Benjamin Francis Leftwich, Death Cab for Cutie and Kowalski
i love watching live music, there are only a few things i enjoy doing more especially when the lyrics and music is so personal and so beautiful
"then i realise i will dream of you tonight
Shadows fold out like blankets on the ground"

also have 'deactivated' my facebook..
huge distraction in my life!
from work and from God
if i didn't mail you my email address its
soph_02@hotmail.co.uk
i love getting emails almost as much as i love getting letters
so email

got up at 8am today,
rather danielle woke me up at 8, which i appreciate cause she hates doing it cause i'm not a nice person when i wake up..
and then i iced a cake
now gonna do some work..

lotta love

since coming back from America, sometimes i have found it hard to be open and confident with my friends that i am christian, and that i'll only have one drink and that i go to church..
i have been embarrassed and scared that they would treat me differently
so, i apologize for underestimating you all
this week i have been learning that i am not ashamed,
i have changed but i am still the same person
i will still be the first one on the dance floor sober
i know its hard to believe that i would dance like that completely aware but you all tasted my drink and know it was lemonade
and i have been humbled
by the respect and love my friends have shown me
and i have been astounded that i am able to ask people to come to church..
the Spirit is certainly giving me confidence that i never had before
but it helps that i have friends that love me
and i love them too
and i love Jesus...
simple

banksy

you may feel like you're living in a nightmare but it is not finished
the final bell hasn't rung
the fat lady hasn't sung
the dream has not been cancelled
don't let it win

more Hosea

"The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, 
though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. 
Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites,
 though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. 

Then I told her, “You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.”

Hos3v1-3

God made us, thus, we belong to him

however, we cheated on him

and as i have done that analogie half to death, i hope you understand 

we betrayed him

but he bought us back

so you buy a dog
it runs away
you find it
and you have to pay for it again
annoying?
you bet...
now imagine that dog is really badly behaved
it rolls in dead badgers and wees on the good rug, bites you all the time and keeps you up all night
if it ran away would you even bother to look for it?
would you search and strive for it?
would your heart break for that misbehaving dog?
and if you found it with someone who didn't love it that much, fed it but never took it for a walk, lived in a disgusting house so didn't care that it pissed on the carpet and let the dog bite and growl and misbehave but sometimes kicked it for no reason and you had drag the dog away, would you?
would you pay more that what you payed for it in the first place knowing that it would mean you'd have to get rid of all the carpet in your house and spend alot of time teaching it not to bite you..and knowing it would run back to that dirty house again?
would you pay for it?
i am the dog.
that loves the world more than i should
but the man who owns me?has made me then paid for me again, has limitless patience teaching me, the world kicks me and his heart breaks, watches me run away only to pursue me and loves me enough to never let me go despite how badly i treat him

passenger seat

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

Jesus gave everything,
his life, his purity, his will, his Father and his family
so i am learning that really it shouldn't be too much for me to give up 'that' relationship, the next 3 years of my life, that bad attitude and the money that isn't mine anyway..
and i should do it joyfully and with a loving heart
like he did
when God asks you for something its with good reason..
"i want you to love me more so i'm asking for you to give that up..."
and we will be rewarded for obedience
i like being obedient
and when we aren't i have images of a father prying the grubby hands of a child from something that is bad for them..
although its not easy and the rebellious teenager in me demands, BUT WHY SHOULD I
and when God replies, "Because I say so.."
its hard not to have flashbacks to being fifteen
but He shouldn't have to give me a reason
i trust him
and
he gave his son for me

My song shall ever be

My Saviour, i love you

Jesus take all of me

Hosea 2

"She has said, I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water,

my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; 

I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. 

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; 

She will look for them but not find them. 

Then she will say, 

‘I will go back to my husband as at first, 

 for then I was better off than now.’ 

She has not acknowledged that I was the one 

who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, 

who lavished on her the silver and gold— 

   which they used for Baal...

 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, 

   which she said were her pay from her lovers; 

I will make them a thicket, 

   and wild animals will devour them. 

 I will punish her for the days 

   she burned incense to the Baals; 

she decked herself with rings and jewelry, 

   and went after her lovers, 

   but me she forgot,” 

            declares the LORD.

Therefore I am now going to allure her; 

   I will lead her into the wilderness 

   and speak tenderly to her.

“In that day,” declares the LORD, 

   “you will call me ‘my husband’; 

   you will no longer call me ‘my master..'

 I will betroth you to me forever; 

   I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, 

   in love and compassion. 

 I will betroth you in faithfulness, 

   and you will acknowledge the LORD"

the she is Israel but it is also me

i chased after my lovers

rather the things that i loved but did not love me back

urban outfitters is not in love with me..shocking i know

i stalked the things that i believe satisfied me

i pursued and i longed

but God blocked my path

He walled me in with dissatisfaction, discontent and heartbreak

so that i would go back to Him..

the lover of my heart

my lover, as in, lover of me

lover of me despite my adultery with the world

lover of me despite my attempt to cheat on him with the earthly

lover of me despite my naivety that something created could fill a crater made for the creator

i went after lovers and forgot about Him

so, He entices me to the wilderness

emotionally to a barren land

where i am alone

lets me sit and wail that i am alone

and He knows i am alone

everyone knows i am alone

i have been enticed here because He burned all my temporary bridges
and that is a blessing
He wants to build me one permanent bridge

i want to be here because those bridges led to hell

i am scared

i don't want to be alone..

so He gives me one option

He knows that i am indecisive, He made me that way

one option

Him

and then i realise, i'm not a slave to this

He isn't my ruler

he is my lover

to have and to hold

in sickness and in health

through better through worse

to love and to cherish untill....

the end of time

that changes the dynamic a bit

i no longer have to 

i want to 

i will happily spend time with the love of my life every day

my boss? not so much

i could read letters from Him all day long, 

read about His history, and His future and how He feels about me

i do not enjoy reports, hourly updates nor a biography of my boss

and He puts me in His heart forever

He commits to me passion, faithfulness, righteousness and compassion..

and He will make me acknowledge him

i am a-ok with that

read Hosea.